Bereavement, grief, and recovery
• Bereavement, grief and recovery
• How to comfort the grieving
• Complicated, ambiguous, and disenfranchised grief and loss
• Differences in mourning traditions
• Mourning the victims of coronavirus (virtually)
• Widows and widowers--mourning the loss of a spouse, partner, co-parent, or significant other
• Children's grief
• Grieving the loss of a child
• Grieving a stillbirth or perinatal loss
• Books on grieving the loss of a child
• Losing a parent
• Losing a sibling
• Grieving the loss of a pet
• Grief support groups
• Support groups for those who have lost a partner
• Books about loss, grief, bereavement, and remembering
• Podcasts about death and dying, grief and loss
• Grief and bereavement blogs, forums, and discussion groups
• Death, dying, and grief in the age of social media
• Selections from DYING, A BOOK OF COMFORT about grief and recovery
"Grief is the internal experience of loss. Mourning is its outward expression. Together we call this bereavement, a wonderful word. Its root comes from the old English bereafian, which means to rob."
~ Sallie Tisdale, Advice for Future Corpses--and Those Who Love Them
How to comfort the grieving
First of all, understand what they might be going through. And that those who are dying are also grieving.
"Crying is neither necessary nor sufficient. The grief counseling partners John W. James and Russell Friedman write, "During our grief recovery seminars, when someone starts crying, we gently urge them to 'talk while you cry.'
"The emotions are contained in the words the griever speaks, not in the tears that they cry. What is fascinating to observe is that as the thoughts and feelings are spoken, the tears usually disappear, and the depth of feeling communicated seems much more powerful than mere tears....Tears [can] become a distraction from the real pain."
~Sallie Tisdale, Advice for Future Corpses (and Those Who Love Them)
• “Your Presence Is Symbolic of Your Love”: How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving (Rebekah Brandes, Nice News) Reach Out! Immediately after a loss, many people worry they might be bothering the grieving individual by reaching out, and believe that, instead, they should give that person space. Says grief counselor Alan Wolfelt, “I’d rather you go and put your foot in your mouth than to stay away. Your presence is symbolic of your love. It’s not so much what you say, it’s you showing up.”
“Some people might teach you they need to go into exile for a while and then come out,” he went on. “You still attempt to reach out, and then you match up what their style is.”
“Here’s the thing: We love giving advice, and we love fixing people, but people in grief don’t need to be fixed because they’re not broken,” explained David Kessler, founder of the support group Tender Hearts and author of Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. He added: “They just need to be listened to and seen. Everyone wants to be seen, heard and valued.” And more good advice.
• Choosing Life and Finding Meaning 30 Days After Dave's Tragic Death (Sheryl Sandberg, COO Facebook, HuffPost, 6-3-15)
• Keeping Those Who Have Passed Away Present in Our Lives Todayby Allison Gilbert, ideas from her book Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive by Allison Gilbert. "Encourages us to remember in a whole new way."
• Grief is love, not a mental disorder (Devyn Greenberg, Opinion, WaPo, 4-3-22) The American Psychiatric Association has updated its bible, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, for the first time categorizing grief as a disorder when it is “prolonged” beyond one year. 'I worry that this framing will render us even lonelier in our pain, even more convinced that our nonlinear, unpredictable paths through loss are “wrong.” Grief is an experience with no road map.'
• We Must Do Better for the Grief-Stricken (Kevyn Burger, Next Avenue, 2-18-19) Bereavement research Toni Miles says grieving raises your risk for illness, even death. How to help? Encourage physical activity. Don't bring unhealthy food (bring a bowl of fruit). Be prepared to listen or to just sit quietly a be a presence for them.
• The Lost Art of the Condolence Letter (Saul Austerlitz, Opinionator, NY Times, 2-10-14)
• Changing the Way We Mourn (Changing The Way We Mourn: Laura Prince at TEDxGoldenGatePark--video). Honor the dead by celebrating their life; help those who grieve by asking them to talk about the people they are mourning; anticipate death by holding those conversations you postpone but should have before you die.
• A Best Friend Is Gone. Grief Is Here to Stay (Martha Randolph Carr, Washington Post)
• The blessing of anger (Aaron Hamburger, Obit Magazine, 7-14-09) Sometimes friends and family don't realize that anger is one type of response to loss, one form of grief.
• Why you should never say "I Know How You Feel!" (Russell Friedman. Grief Recovery Method 8-28-13)
• Writing condolences for a coworker (Leslie O'Flahavan, Relate, 12-1-15).
• Euphemisms for Death (Melissa Barber, Living with Dying blog, 9-14-12) By keeping the reality of death at arm's length, we're probably adding to bigger societal issues such as treating death as a taboo subject for discussion.
• A Partnership of Minds (David Brooks, NY Times, 7-20-07)
• Find Someone Who Gets It (Joan Hitchens, Grief Reflection, 5-4-11)
Good Grief (Meghan O'Rourke, New Yorker, 2-1-2010. Is there a better way to be bereaved? Grief is more complicated than Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages. The new science of bereavement.
• Good Grief: A Constructive Approach to the Problem of Loss by Granger E. Westberg. This classic (1961) by the late Lutheran pastor and hospital chaplain, based on a popular sermon, identifies ten stages of grief: shock, emotion, depression, physical distress, panic, guilt, anger, resistance, hope, and acceptance, but, recognizing that grief is complex and deeply personal, defines no "right" way to grieve. Rev. Cecil Fike publishes a Good Grief Workbook for use by Good Grief Groups. Check out answers to the FAQs (frequently asked questions):
1) I want to talk about my mother who died, but none of my family will let me talk with them...
2) I lost my father several years ago and just recently my sister who was only 26 years old died and I feel like I am losing control of my life...
3) It has been 6 months since my husband died, how long will the grief and pain last?
4) Is there anything that I can do to speed up the healing process?
5) Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy or losing my mind, is this normal?
• Good Grief: Coping After Loss (Lybi Ma, Psychology Today, 5-1-03) Patterns and stages of grieving the loss of a loved one are not always the same from person to person.
• Grief at Work (American Hospice Foundation) Unaddressed grief costs not only businesses, but also the healthcare system at large. Grief reduces productivity due to absenteeism, mistakes, turnover and increased use of health benefits.
• Death at the Worksite: Helping Grieving Family Members (Helen Fitzgerald, American Hospice Foundation)
• Responding to the Grieving Client, (Nicholas McConnell, Naomi Naierman, and Johanna Turner, American Hospice Foundation)
Podcasts about death and dying, grief and bereavement
• Adventures of Memento Mori (host D.S. Moss explores death from scientific, medical, and personal angles)
• All There Is with Anderson Cooper.Anderson Cooper takes us on a deeply personal exploration of loss and grief. He starts recording while packing up the apartment of his late mother Gloria Vanderbilt. Going through her journals and keepsakes, as well as things left behind by his father and brother, Cooper begins a series of emotional and moving conversations about the people we lose, the things they leave behind, and how to live on - with loss, with laughter, and with love.
• The Art of Dying Well (Guests engage in a little 'Death Chatter' before getting the 'Voice from the Bedside Chair')
• Ask a Death Doula (oncology nurse Suzanne B O’Brien interviews experts on death worldwide)
• “Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End” (Diane Rehm's super interview with Atul Gawande, 10-6-14)
• The Death Diaries Podcast (an exploration of life's inevitable exit strategy, for those who need real stories about how to cope with death and its many complexities)
• Death, et seq. (A podcast about the relationship between the living and the dead)
• Dying Matters (Conversations with people who know from personal experience how important it is to talk about our end-of-life wishes before it’s too late. )
• The End of Life (NPR's special series on "Tell Me More") As Americans age, how are they grappling with health, caregiving, finances and faith? Examples:
---Advice For The Golden Years: 'Don't Ever Retire Mentally' about the realities of retirement with Michel Martin (17 min.)
---'Serving Life': Facing Death, Inmates Find Humanity "We got to explore our incarcerated prisoners and what occurs in their lives, and how they are able to search for redemption, and also to search for a deepening of their own compassion, which hopefully moves toward love," says actor Forest Whitaker.
• End-Of-Life Planning Is a 'Lifetime Gift' to Your Loved Ones (Kavitha Cardoza, Life Kit, 6-30-2020, 20 min.)
• End-of-Life University (Real talk about life and death, on topics ranging from home care and "death cleaning" to the conundrum of "end-of-life hope")
• Four Prompts on Death (doctor-in-training Eugene Kim interviews noteworthy people of different ages, gender and racial identities, cultures, faiths, and backgrounds to highlight the common threads between us all). Four simple prompts, many different answers:
---"I am...
---Before I die, I want...
---When I die, I want...
---After I die, I want..."I am...
• GeriPal (A geriatrics and palliative care podcast for all health care professionals.)
• Living While Dying: An ALS Story (Bruce Kramer had to face the reality of his own death when he was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) in 2010. He blends practical advice with emotional and personal reflection, touching on end-of-life issues.)
• Living With Hospice (Mitch Ware, long time hospice bedside volunteer and former hospice client shares his experiences and knowledge to show others how they can achieve the best palliative care available through hospice.)
• Pre-Dead Boys (Max and Dorian explore the history and culture of death and decomposition.)
• 70+ Unique Bucket List Ideas to Try Before You Die (Sam Tetrault, The Cake Library) Ideas for adventure seekers, nature lovers, getting closer to family, personal growth, etc., plus cheap things to do close to home.
• Sickboy (Jeremie, Brian and Taylor tackle health taboos with people who have experienced them firsthand. Taking the lead from Jeremie's life long battle with cystic fibrosis, the three best friends help us understand that sometimes the best way to deal with illness, disease, and life is simply to laugh.)
• "Terrible,Thanks for Asking" (Honest answers to the question “How are you?”)
• When You Die (Let's talk about death, from green burial options to the latest in science on the afterlife and death resources)
• Where's the Grief? (Comedian and bereaved sibling Jordon Ferber encourages an open discussion about the effects of grief, and offers coping mechanisms through honest conversations with comedians and sometimes other performers, often from a humorous and death positive perspective.)
Mourning the victims of Covid-19 (virtually)
• What Loss Looks Like (New York Times) "During the pandemic, funerals and memorial services have been curtailed, leaving many of us unable to celebrate a lost loved one's memory in traditional ways. To acknowledge our collective losses, The Times asked readers to share photos of objects that remind them of those who died over the last year, whether from the coronavirus or other causes. These images and interviews form a virtual memorial."
• Processing Grief During a Pandemic, When Nothing Is Normal (Elizabeth Yuko, Rolling Stone, 4-10-2020) "As a culture, we’ve never been great at handling grief. Sad people make us uncomfortable. We want people to mourn for a short period of time and then return to their lives as if nothing happened....There is never a convenient time to lose someone, but the current circumstances are making a difficult process even harder....And now that families no longer have the opportunity to say goodbye to their loved ones, have to wait for hospitals to release the remains, and postpone any in-person gatherings for the foreseeable future, it has left many in a suspended state of grief....“Because we can’t travel and be by the sides of the dying and other loved ones right now, we naturally feel helpless,” says Dr. Alan Wolfelt, the director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. One of his greatest concerns right now is that too many families will forego funeral or memorial services altogether.
• All the Things We Have to Mourn Now (Joe Pinsker, The Atlantic, 5-1-2020) Six experts explain how to recognize the many new faces of grief during a pandemic. Devine: "The thing to remember is that there’s no time limit on when you could hold an in-person funeral. You can do that at a later date, so a virtual service doesn’t have to be a flat-out replacement."
•Faces of the dead: Remembering the 100,000 Lives Lost to Coronavirus In America (Washington Post) This is how they lived — and what was lost when they died. No infectious disease in a century has exacted as swift and merciless a toll on the United States as covid-19. With no vaccine and no cure, the pandemic has killed people in every state. The necessary isolation it imposes has robbed the bereaved of proper goodbyes and the comfort of mourning rituals. Those remembered in this continually updating series represent but some of the tens of thousands who have died. Some were well-known, and many were unsung. All added their stories, from all walks of life, to the diversity of the American experience.
• After Real Loss, Virtual Comfort Must Do (Rachel L. Harris, Susan Mermelstein and Lisa Tarchak, NY Times, 4-29-2020) Readers talk about mourning loved ones from afar. Followed byWhen Mourning Is at a Distance (Letters to the Editor, NY Times, 4-29-2020) In response to paper's query, readers discuss how they have marked the deaths of loved ones: struggling with not saying goodbye, not being comforted in person, but also finding some solace in the collective virtual grieving.
• Death counts become the rhythm of the pandemic in the absence of national mourning (Craig Timberg, Washington Post, 5-24-2020) :Johns Hopkins’s coronavirus dashboard is recording 4 billion hits a day in what for many has become a search for meaning... And the news is never good, only better or worse versions of awful, as the nation endures death at a pace rarely seen even during its most lethal public health disasters and most violent days of war....Watchers of the daily death counts are looking for different things: Hints of the future, understanding of the past, a sense of scale, a sense of loss, a wisp of hope."
• Little sense of shared grief as coronavirus deaths near 100,000 (Noah Bierman, Eli Stokols, Los Angeles Times, 5-22-2020) While Americans have shared undeniable hardships since March, the carnage is hitting them unevenly. Critics say President Trump, loath to dwell on those dismal figures, is both stoking the polarized response and counting on a fragmented experience to distract the nation from the almost incomprehensible death toll. “I don’t think we’re taking this in,” said David Kessler, an author of six books on grief. “It’s easy to digest a statistic. It is not easy to digest 12 plane crashes a day,” Kessler said. “Especially when there are no visuals. We aren’t seeing 90,000 caskets."
• Lost on the Frontline (The Staffs of KHN and The Guardian) A nurse who was crafting plans to open her own nursing home. An upbeat patient transporter who was also a sewing wiz. A surgical technician who was easy to befriend. These are some of the people just added to this “Lost on the Frontline” series from that profiles health care workers who die of COVID-19.
• Spain begins 10-day mourning for COVID-19 victims (Alyssa McMurtry, Anadolu Agency, 5-27-2020) As the country’s death toll reached 27,118, Spain entered into a 10-day mourning period – the longest in its democratic history – to remember the thousands of lives destroyed by coronavirus.
• Notes From a Videochat Memorial (Sarah Ruhl, The Atlantic, 4-23-2020) Will these Zoom funerals be anything more than empty containers for unshed tears? We are going to have to get used to the idea of rituals on camera in this age of quarantine.
ADVICE:
• What Should You Say When Someone You Know Is Grieving? (Jocelyn M. DeGroot, NY Times, 5-28-2020) Covid-19 deaths are being announced everywhere. When you see the bad news, don’t delay, deliberate or draft and redraft responses you’ll never send. Recognize the loss. And let the person have their grief.
• How to Cope With Grief Amid COVID-19 (Health Matters, New York Presbyterian) “Most people have a natural caregiving instinct that makes us want to soothe the person and take the pain away,” says Dr. M. Katherine Shear, founding director of the Center for Complicated Grief. “However, when someone is grieving the loss of someone close, we really can’t take that pain away. We can only be willing to listen and share this very human sorrow.”
• Grief Following Patient Deaths During COVID-19 (Download PDF, 4-10-2020) Tips for Healthcare Workers in Managing Grief. Symptoms of grief and stress related to grief (listed here) vary from person to person.
• How to Write a Condolence Note (Katherine Rosman, NY Times, 4-9-2020) At this particular moment, email is fine.
• How To Write a Sympathy Note in the Time of Coronavirus (Anita Diamant, WBUR, 5-6-2020) Sending a card has always been a way of showing up -- and it has the added benefit of maintaining a safe distance. But with the number of COVID-19 deaths continuing to climb, sympathy cards are as scarce as two-ply toilet paper. What to say...
• How to Express Sympathy: What to Say and What Not to Say (Everplans)
• Condolences: What to Say? 75 Sympathy Message Examples (Linnea Crowther, Legacy.com, 12-30-19)
• How to Express Condolences During the COVID-19 Pandemic (Shiva.com, the resource for Jewish mourning) When a Public Funeral, Burial and Shiva is not permitted; How to attend a shiva when there is no shiva; and ways of expressing support when the usual rules don't apply.
• How to Offer Condolences in an Instagram Comment (Jocelyn M. DeGroot, NY Times, 5-28-2020) Covid-19 deaths are being announced everywhere. Is “I’m so sorry” ever enough?
• Helping children with grief (Western Governors University blog, 4-10-2020)
• "In Senegal, the polite expression for saying someone died is to say his or her library has burned. When I first heard the phrase, I didn't understand it, but over time I came to realize that it was perfect. Our minds and souls contain volumes inscribed by our experiences and emotions; each individual's consciousness is a collection of memories we've catalogued and stored inside us, a private library of a life lived. It is something that no one else can entirely share, one that burns down and disappears when we die. But if you can take something from that internal collection and share it---with one person or with the larger world, on the page or in a story recited---it takes on a life of its own.~"From The Library Book by Susan Orlean
Losing a sibling
• The death of a sibling: ‘It makes no sense and never will’ (Christina Patterson, The Guardian, 9-23-17) When the poet Joanne Limburg’s brother killed himself, she simply couldn’t accept it. Christina Patterson, whose sister also suddenly died, finds out how she coped.
• Years Ago, My Sister Vanished. I See Her Whenever I Want. (Kyleigh Leddy, Modern Love, NY Times, 5-3-19) I used to call my sister’s phone when she first disappeared. I knew she wouldn’t answer — the signal had vanished the moment she had — but the voice mail was intact. When I needed to hear her voice, I would dial her number and she would tell me to leave a message.
• When There’s No Word Like ‘Widow’ (Kyleigh Leddy, Terms of Endearment, NY Times, 2-11-23) After my sister died, I yearned for a word like “orphan” to name my new identity.
• Grief Work (Ashley Bethard, Vida Web, "Release is another word for detach. So is remove. It is the letting go of intent, a decision, the brain telling the fist to unclench, the fingers moving from curled to splayed. It is not the letting go of resignation. Maybe grief is the way we learn to let a body go."
• Grieving the Loss of a Sibling to Cancer (Cancer.net)
• Sibling Grief: Losing A Sister (Annie Keller, Psych Central)
• When a Sibling Dies: The Loss of a Lifetime. (Lynn Shattuck, Elephant Journal, 2-14) "I write a lot about my brother Will’s death at 21. The day when the phone rang and I heard my mom say dark, foreign words like coroner, needle, heroin, autopsy, was the most impactful day of my life."
• 7 Books About the Heartbreak of Losing a Sibling (Electric Literature, 7-15-21) Willa C. Richards on one of the closest and most complex family bonds. The books recommended (with links so you can read a description--you should be able to find these in a public library)
---The Comfort of Monsters by Willa C. Richards
---Long Bright River by Liz Moore
---Housekeeping by Marilynne Robinson
---Caucasia by Danzy Senna
---The Unpassing by Chia-Chia Lin
---A Home at The End of the World by Michael Cunningham
---Sing, Unburied, Sing by Jesmyn Ward
---Nox a book of poetry by Anne Carson.
Losing a parent
• Facing What's Left Behind (podcast, Cooper Anderson, All There Is, 9-13-22) Alone in his late mother Gloria Vanderbilt’s apartment, Anderson begins recording his thoughts and memories as he packs up her things. He makes some unexpected discoveries while sorting through boxes of love letters, journals, and cherished keepsakes. Feeling isolated and alone in his grief, Anderson reaches out to a close friend of his mother, who joins him to share insights about her and suggestions about what to do with the things she left behind.
--- Molly Shannon's Unspeakable Loss (podcast, Cooper Anderson, All There Is, 10-5-22) When Molly Shannon was four, her mother, baby sister and cousin were killed in a car crash. Her father was at the wheel. Growing up, few people ever spoke with her about her grief. She and Anderson explore how early loss shaped both their lives, and propelled them forward in unexpected ways.
--- Sadness Isn't an Enemy (another podcast from Cooper Anderson, 9-28-22) In this deeply personal episode, Anderson reflects on the suicide of his brother, Carter, and the impact that loss still has on his life today. Anderson is joined by Dr. BJ Miller, a hospice and palliative care physician whose sister, Lisa, died by suicide. BJ brings exceptional wisdom to a difficult conversation and suggests some surprising ways to think about sadness and grief. This episode contains discussions of suicide.
• How It Feels When a Parent Dies by Jill Krementz. 18 children from age 7 to 17 speak openly of their experiences and feelings. As they speak we see them in photos with their surviving parent and with other family members, in the midst of their everyday lives.
• The Impact of a Parent's Death (Jackson Rainer, Next Avenue, 11-9-21) Even after a long life, there is grief. But sometimes, tension among family members can be resolved.
• The Death of a Parent Affects Even Grown Children Psychologically and Physically (Joshua A. Krisch, Fatherly, 11-15-21) Grief is both real and measurable. Scientists now know that losing a parent changes us forever.
• When Parents Die: A Guide for Adults by Edward Myers. From the psychological responses to a parent's death such as shock, depression, and guilt, to the practical consequences such as dealing with estates and funerals.
• What to do when a parent dies and you are the executor (EZ-Probate)
• A Child’s Right to Information When a Parent Dies (American College of Trust and Estate Counsel) Does a child have any rights to information in an estate after the death of a parent? How are assets divided up in a Will? Do you need a lawyer? Do you have to accept the bequeathed item? ACTEC Fellows Eric W. Penzer and Natalie M. Perry answer these questions and more in this short video.
• Family Misunderstanding After a Death' (What's Your Grief)
• Loss of a Parent: Adult Grief When Parents Die by Theresa Jackson
• Losing My Dad (Jill Smolowe, Next Avenue, 6-18-18) With the death of her father, this writer discovers a different kind of grief. "It happened again this morning. I’d just finished a task at my desk and thought, Okay, time to call Dad. Then my eyes teared up as I remembered, Dad’s not here anymore."
• When a Parent Dies: Dealing with the Loss of Your Mother or Father (David Kessler, Dignity Memorial) Nothing can prepare you for losing Mom or Dad, no matter how long they have lived. Learn to recognize the 5 stages of grief and know how they will help you
Widows and widowers -- mourning the loss of a spouse, partner, co-parent, significant other
Don't ever complain about your husband to a widow.
Valentine's Day reminds us that love and grief are entwined. Grief stories are also love stories; the more someone is loved, the more deeply his or her absence is felt. At Bo's Place, we honor the love that gives rise to grief, and we send love to all those whose hearts are broken this Valentine's Day.
"What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." - Helen Keller
"You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." ~ Anne Lamott
"Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."
~ Jamie Anderson
"If there ever comes a day where we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever." - A. A. Milne
"When faced with a loss, it is no use trying to recover what has gone. On the other hand, a great space has been opened up in your life—there it lies, empty, waiting to be filled with something new. At the moment of one's loss, contradictory as this might seem, one is being given a large slice of freedom." ~ Paulo Coelho
• At 92, coping with the hard work of being a widow (Barbara Morris, WashPost, 4-20-24) Take it one day at a time, my fellow widows say. But the precious memories of my husband, Ward, continue to make me ache.
• How Parents Can Cope With Losing a Partner (Tami Kamin Meyer, Parents magazine, 3-10-22) Parenting alone after a partner dies complicates the already challenging process of grieving. Here's what experts and parents who have been through it suggest.
• The Actor Who Documented His Grief—And Shared It With the World (Sophie Gilbert, The Atlantic, 8-1-23) "After his wife died two years ago, Richard E. Grant began to film himself talking about his bereavement, creating a remarkable record of life after loss. In his new memoir, A Pocketful of Happiness, Grant elegantly summarizes his career as several decades of “minimalist villainy.” ...Almost two years ago, his wife of 35 years, the dialect coach Joan Washington, died from lung cancer, and in the immediate months after losing her, he turned to Instagram to record fragments of his bereavement. His memoir is named for the edict Joan gave him before she died, the assurance that he would be all right if he could try to find just a little to be grateful for every single day.
• A Financial To-Do List for the Recently Widowed (Hello Grief) See also Financial Help & Benefits for Widows: 2019 Guide (The Credit Review)
• The Newly Widowed Checklist (Liz Logelin Foundation)
• Liberating Losses: When Death Brings Relief (book by Jennifer Elison and Chris McGonigle) gives permission for the relief felt by many primary caregivers (especially spouses) about death after a long illness, or when one is released from a difficult or abusive relationship.
• How I Rewrote My Life Story Into Happier, Healthier Chapters (Nancy Sharp, AARP, 8-8-22) You, too, can turn from victim into victor.
• Ready to Fall in Love With Yourself Again or With Someone Else? Nancy Sharp, The Ethel, AARP, 6-22-23) Three prompts to jump-start your quest.
• Paulina Porizkova on Betrayal, Grief and New Beginnings (Sandra Ebejer, Next Avenue, 11-16-22) The author of the memoir No Filter: The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful “No Filter is a book about a rare life, profound love, profound grief, anxiety, self-assurance, empowerment, aging, loss, and joy. It is nuanced, complex, insightful, helpful, and constantly surprising. Do you think you know what kind of book a super model writes? Think again. Paulina Porizkova is in the business of defying expectations.” ~ Ann Patchett
• How I’m Making Mother’s Day My Bitch (Kate Spencer, Modern Loss, 5-6-15) I’ve spent years being pissed off and wallowing on this Hallmark holiday, missing my dead mom. This year, though, I’m making it my own.
• Modern Loss Candid conversation about grief. Beginners welcome. You'll find wonderful material on this website.
• My first year as a widower: A look at spousal loss and gradual recovery (Saul Schwartz, WaPo, 12-29-14) "I discovered a meet-up group for young widows and widowers. My experiences with this group were quite different from the spousal-loss support groups. The interactions were more informal. This group provided a social setting for those of us who had experienced midlife spousal loss. Great discussions ensued as we shared stories about going through similar life events."
• I Am a ‘Tragedy Trust Funder’ (Jen Parsons, Modern Loss, 11-12-19) A modest surprise inheritance from my late husband allows me to raise my two young kids without having to go to work. So why do I feel so guilty about it?
• In a Season of Grief, I Turned to Home Improvement (Connie Schultz, Glamour, 11-25-19) For decades, Pulitzer-winning writer Connie Schultz put off making the house into a home she loved. Tragedy and anxiety forced her to ask herself, “What am I waiting for?”
• 10 Places Grieving Widows Can Get Help (Gloria Horsley, HuffPost, 8-26-15)
• The Liz Logelin Foundation (provides support to grief- stricken young families--monetary grants to meet families’ emotional and financial short-term needs.
Support groups for those who have lost a spouse or a partner
• American Widow Project The American Widow Project is a non-profit organization providing peer to peer support to military widows grieving the loss of a spouse in the armed forces.
• Camp Widow (A secular, in-person community of others who are making their way through widowhood one day at a time. Campers come from all over the country, and around the world, to meet other widowed men and women face-to-face, and to experience the camaraderie that this event creates.) See also A Camp For Widows And Widowers Is Surprisingly Uplifting (Amy Florian, Next Avenue, Forbes, 5-3-17)
• Facebook: Life After Death (a Facebook support group for widows)
• Gold Star Wives (widows/widowers whose spouses died while serving in the Armed Forces of the United States, or as result of service-connected disabilities)
• Hello Grief
• National Widowers Organization
• Parents Without Partners (PWP) (PWP, for single parents) No more standing out in the crowd or feeling isolated because they are part of the single parent family.
• Soaring Spirits. "Soaring Spirits communities, both online and in-person, are diverse, inclusive, secular, and positive. We share resources, ideas, energy, and most importantly, hope."
• Spouse/Partner’s Bereavement Support Group (Cancer Care) This 15 week online support group is for people who have lost a spouse or partner to cancer. In this group led by an oncology social worker, people provide support to each other and share resources and information.
• Widowed Village (another Soaring Spirits venture)
• Widows and Widowers Meetup Groups (meetup groups for widows, widowers, and others who have lost their significant others)
• Young Widows or Widowers (YWOW)
Grief support groups
• ACEs Connection. This community of practice uses trauma-informed, resilience-building practices to prevent Adverse Childhood Experiences & further trauma.
• Actively Moving Forward (ACF, a young adult and college grief support network)
• Compassionate Friends: Where Bereaved Parents Don't Feel So Alone (Linton Weeks, NPR, 4-19-10)
• Directory of Grief Support Groups by Loss Experienced (My Grief Angels). Categories: AIDS/HIV, Alzheimer's & dementia loss, aircraft casualty, aquatic accidents/drownings, baby/pregnancy/child loss, cancer loss, children, complicated/prolonged grief support, domestic violence, drunk driver loss, families that have lost a child, firefights/ERP, heroin, homicide loss/murdered, international groups, LGBTQ, men dealing with loss, meningitis, mesothelioma, military, veterans, online grief support, police family & friends, students, substance passing, suicide loss, traumatic loss, twins, widowers, victims resources)
• Griefnet.org’s list of 50 facilitated e-mail support groups (covering topics such as loss of a parent, spouse or partner, sibling or friend, and the spiritual aspects of loss)
• Infant/child loss support groups (Center for Loss in Multiple Births, or CLIMB)
• Find a GriefShare group meeting near you (search by zip code)
• Grief Healing (bereavement counselor Marty Tousley's helpful online Grief Healing Discussion Groups
• Griefnet.org "Grace happens." (e-mail support groups and general help with loss and bereavement)
• Guide: Grief Support for Children (EverPlans) Links to several support groups for children.
• How Social Media Has Changed the Way We Grieve (Joseph Rauch, TalkSpace, 8-29-17)
• How the internet is changing the way we grieve (Jo Bell, The Conversation, 7-31-18) An emerging body of research is now looking at the ways the internet, including social media and memorial websites, are enabling new ways of grieving – that transcend traditional notions of “letting go” and “moving on”.
• Legacy Connect (online advice on grieving, mourning, and bereavement)
• Kidsaid (a safe place for kids to help each other deal with grief and loss)
• Letting Children Share in Grief (Catherine Saint Louis, NY Times, 9-19-12). New attitudes toward children and funerals--and grief camps, too.
• Memory Café Catalyst forum (advancing the memory café movement)
• Modern Loss Facebook group (Candid conversations about grief. Beginners welcome. People mostly in their 20s-40s.)
• Organizations and Resources (ADEC's helpful links to websites offering assistance and information on a variety of topics related to grief, trauma, dying and death. Association for Death Education and Counselin)
• A Place to Honor Grief (Tom Golden's site, linking to three types of writing: first, a long section about children's deaths; another section about parents' deaths; then a long section about the deaths of siblings, close friends, spouses, etc.
• The Sharing Place (Salt Lake City--providing grief support for children). Listen to This American Life segment, About That Farm Upstate (Act Three, Birds & Bees, 5-15-15). Read transcript here (scroll down to Act Three). Jonathan Goldstein reports on a house in Salt Lake City where kids come to have death explained to them, not just that people die but how they die. "The Sharing Place is a grief support center for kids who have lost a family member. It's one of hundreds of centers like it around the country. Kids sit in support groups led by grownups, but the point is to allow children to talk to other children about their grief....Suicide is always one of the highest, if not the highest cause of death for Sharing Place families at any given time. There's actually a special group devoted specifically to suicide.
• Twinless Twins support group
• When Family Doesn't Get It - Recovery Partners Will ! Kathy Brous, ACEs Connection)
• Mothers Find a Helping Hand in Sobriety Coaches (Marisa Fox, NY Times 7-11-14)
Children's grief
• Dealing with Death (Fred Rogers) See especially Helpful Hints
• Letting Children Share in Grief (Catherine Saint Louis, NY Times, 9-19-12)
• Helping children with grief (Western Governors University blog, 4-10-2020)
• Guidelines for Helping Grieving Children (Vitas Healthcare)
• About Childhood Grief (National Alliance for Grieving Children)
• ACEs Connection. This community of practice uses trauma-informed, resilience-building practices to prevent Adverse Childhood Experiences & further trauma.
• Guide: Grief Support for Children (EverPlans)
• Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Death(Rebecca Morse, MedPage Today, 6-20-22) How to talk to pediatric patients about death without lying. Children do need reassurance. William Worden, PhD, identified key questions that children -- whether they are grieving or dying -- need answers to:
Is it my fault?
Is it going to happen to you?
Is it going to happen to me?
Who will take care of me?
• What Comes After Death? (Rebecca Morse, MedPage Today, 7-13-22) Clinicians can help young patients integrate existing belief systems to process grief. Medical professionals should always provide honest and fact-based information when talking to pediatric patients about dying. Children wonder: What happens after we die? What will happen to me after I die? Is there a heaven? Kids live in a world where death exists and we don't help them if we don't tell them, help scaffold their understanding, and better their ability to process difficult emotions.
• Letting Children Share in Grief (Catherine Saint Louis, NY Times, 9-19-12). New attitudes toward children and funerals--and grief camps, too.
• National Students of AMF (college students supporting college students grieving the illness or death of a loved one).
• The Sharing Place (Salt Lake City--providing grief support for children). Listen to This American Life segment, About That Farm Upstate (Act Three, Birds & Bees, 5-15-15). Read transcript here (scroll down to Act Three). Jonathan Goldstein reports on a house in Salt Lake City where kids come to have death explained to them, not just that people die but how they die. "The Sharing Place is a grief support center for kids who have lost a family member. It's one of hundreds of centers like it around the country. Kids sit in support groups led by grownups, but the point is to allow children to talk to other children about their grief....Suicide is always one of the highest, if not the highest cause of death for Sharing Place families at any given time. There's actually a special group devoted specifically to suicide.
• Questions about death: What preschoolers ask ... what parents answer (Mary VanClay, Baby Center)
• How to talk to kids about death (Child Development Institute)
• When Do Kids Understand Death? (Virginia Hughes, Only Human, Science Salon, 11-20-17) For the purposes of research, scientists define a child’s understanding of death by looking at three specific aspects of the concept: Irreversibility, nonfunctionality, and universality.
• Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen. A moving book for children of all ages, even parents too. It lets us explain life and death in a sensitive, caring, beautiful way. Lifetimes tells us about beginnings. And about endings. And about living in between. With large, wonderful illustrations, it tells about plants. About animals. About people. It tells that dying is as much a part of living as being born. It helps us to remember. It helps us to understand.
• A Daughter's Separation Anxiety (Nicole Bokat, Opinionator series on anxiety .
• Finding Joy in My Father’s Death (Ann Patchett, The End, NY Times, 4-15-13). "When my father was alive, our relationship was virtually symbiotic. After he was gone, I realized he’d been my antidepressant."
Grieving a stillbirth or perinatal loss
"Perinatal loss is commonly defined as loss of an infant through death via unintended or involuntary loss of pregnancy by miscarriage, early loss (less than 20 weeks), stillbirth (> 20 weeks gestation), or neonatal loss (newborn through 28 days of life)."
• Please Stay, Baby. Please? (Lori Vogt Rosone, NY Times, 3-15-24) The grief of miscarriage is largely invisible. And with each loss, the longing multiplies.
• An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination: A Memoir by Elizabeth McCracken. "... Elizabeth McCracken does not howl out her loss. She is devastatingly calm and in this matches measure for measure her own fine writing. By the end of this memoir you will have held a beautiful child in your hands and you will have acknowledged him. This book is an extraordinary gift to us all."~ Alice Sebold
• How Hospitals Changed Their Approach to Stillbirth (Sarah Zhang, The Atlantic, 2-12-2020) Grieving patients are encouraged to see and hold their stillborn infants—and in some cases even bring them home. This would have been unthinkable 30 or 40 years ago, when standard hospital practice was to take stillborn babies away soon after birth.
• Stillborn, a memorial for the children lost to stillbirth (Adriana Gallardo and interactive story designer Zisiga Mukulu about their project with Duaa Eldeib, in Dispatches, a weekly newsletter from ProPublica that spotlights wrongdoing in America and journalism from its newsroom, 2-3-24) Every year, more than 20,000 pregnancies in the U.S. end in a stillbirth, the death of an expected child at 20 weeks of pregnancy or more. As many as 1 in 4 stillbirths may be preventable. About 60 babies are stillborn in the U.S. each day. This memorial symbolizes a single day of loss. Contributing to this series: Duaa Eldeib, Nadia Sussman, Liz Moughon and Adriana Gallardo.
---Stillborn (links to all stories in series)
---Reporting on Stillbirths (Duaa Eldeib, ProPublica, November 2022)
---“God, No, Not Another Case.” COVID-Related Stillbirths Didn’t Have to Happen. (Duaa Eldeib, ProPublica, 8-4-22) "She shows how some doctors and nurses don’t listen to or educate pregnant people about stillbirth, especially Black women, whose risk of suffering a stillbirth is higher than it is for white women. A lack of testing data and government guidance led many to avoid the COVID-19 vaccine during pregnancy, unwittingly increasing their chances of a stillbirth. She wrote about her reporting on stillbirths, the death of an expected child at 20 weeks or more of pregnancy. She’s examined the failures of our federal agencies to prioritize research, awareness and data collection. She showed how some doctors and nurses don’t listen to or educate pregnant people about stillbirth, especially Black women, whose risk of suffering a stillbirth is higher than it is for white women. She wrote about how we’re not doing the autopsies that could provide answers about why a developing baby suddenly dies. And she investigated how a lab test that experts liken to a witch trial is helping send women to prison for murder." As Duaa wrote, “It has been nearly two years of learning about a sorrow so deep that it never goes away.”
---As the U.S. Struggles With a Stillbirth Crisis, Australia Offers a Model for How to Do Better (Duaa Eldeib, 1-10-22) Australia has emerged as a global leader in the effort to lower the number of babies that die before taking their first breaths. It’s an approach that could benefit America, which lags behind other wealthy nations in reducing stillbirths.
---Her Child Was Stillborn at 39 Weeks. She Blames a System That Doesn’t Always Listen to Mothers. (Duaa Eldeib, 11-13-22) Every year more than 20,000 pregnancies in the U.S. result in a stillbirth, but not all of these tragedies were inevitable. As many as one in four stillbirths are potentially preventable. Unlike with SIDS, a leading cause of infant death, federal officials have failed to launch a national campaign to reduce the risk of stillbirth or adequately raise awareness about it. Placental exams and autopsies, which can sometimes explain why stillbirths happened, are underutilized, in part because parents are not counseled on their benefits.
---The Safe to Sleep Campaign The Safe to Sleep® campaign began in 1994, as the Back to Sleep campaign, then named for its main recommendation for all healthy babies to be placed on their backs to sleep to reduce the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Led by the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD), part of the National Institutes of Health, and other collaborating organizations, the campaign was expanded and renamed Safe to Sleep in 2012 to address not only SIDS, but also other sleep-related infant deaths.
• Dealing with grief after the death of your baby (March of Dimes)
• Complicated grief after perinatal loss
• Perinatal Loss: Resources for Families (PDF list of resources, UNC Center for Maternal and Infant Health)
• Perinatal Loss and Grief
• Loss & Grief in Pregnancy & Postpartum (Postpartum Support International)
• M.E.N.D. (Miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death support)
• SHARE (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support)
• State-Mandated Mourning for Aborted Fetuses=(Emma Green, The Atlantic, 5-14-16) A new Indiana law is part of a wave of legislation that requires burial or cremation following abortions. What’s behind it?
---National Day of Remembrance for Aborted Children (Facebook group)
---Prolonged grieving after abortion: a descriptive study (D Brown, T E Elkins, D B Larson, J Clin Ethics, 1973) They draw attention to the need for methodologically sound studies of a possible prolonged grief syndrome among a small percentage of women who have abortions, especially when coercion is involved. . 1993
Grieving the loss of a child
• Miranda’s Last Gift (David Frum, The Atlantic, 5-24) When our daughter died suddenly, she left us with grief, memories—and Ringo.
• Compassionate Friends: Where Bereaved Parents Don't Feel So Alone (Linton Weeks's NPR story about Compassionate Friends, 4-19-10). 'Losing a child is not like other losses of loved ones. Folded into the death of a child is the death of the future..."
• Joe Biden talks about the loss of his son Beau (9/11-15 on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert) And Colbert acknowledges the loss of his own father and brothers, but mainly Colbert is a great listener and interviewer.
• Getting Grief Right (Patrick O'Malley, Opinionator, NY Times, 1-10-15). The "story of loss has three “chapters.” Chapter 1 has to do with attachment: the strength of the bond with the person who has been lost. Understanding the relationship between degree of attachment and intensity of grief brings great relief for most patients....Chapter 2 is the death event itself. ...Understanding the relationship between degree of attachment and intensity of grief brings great relief for most patients. I often tell them that the size of their grief corresponds to the depth of their love...Chapter 3 is the long road that begins after the last casserole dish is picked up — when the outside world stops grieving with you." A support group can be immensely helpful. "She later described the relief she felt in the presence of other bereaved parents, in a place where no acting was required. It was a place where people understood that they didn’t really want to achieve closure after all. To do so would be to lose a piece of a sacred bond."
• Dougy Center (national center for grieving children and families)
• Heartstrings (a community of support for grieving parents)
•Advocating for Wholeness (Kara L.C. Jones on self-care for bereaved parents)
• AMEND (Aiding Mothers and Fathers Experiencing Neonatal Death), facilitating one-on-one contact for bereaved parents.
• Angels Registration (Shaken Baby Alliance)
• “Aw, Partners, It’s Been a Bitch.” A Letter from Ken Kesey After His Son’s Death (Shaun Usher, LitHub, 2-10-22) The author of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest recounts the last days of his son’s life.
• The Art of Grief: ‘Windows and Mirrors’ (Robert F. Sommer, The Common, 6-12-17). Windows and Mirrors: Reflections on the War in Afghanistan, an exhibit of mural-styled paintings that toured the United States and Canada in 2011-12, was sponsored by the American Friends Service Committee (AFSC), a Quaker organization. The exhibit gathered works by forty-five artists, as well as drawings by school children from around the world, into what the catalogue describes as 'a traveling memorial to Afghan civilians who have died in the war.' '...unlike the invasion of Iraq, which by 2005/6/7 many Americans had begun to realize was both a mistake and a disaster, Afghanistan was still, ten years later, as we stood before these panels, regarded by many as a “just war” and its civilian victims little more than regrettable and faceless casualties, “collateral damage” (also the title of a painting in the exhibit) in the virtuous cause of “keeping America safe”—the go-to meme of American politicos who want to keep their jobs and government healthcare....We’d lost our son Francis just ten months earlier. His Afghanistan deployment in 2006-7 had awakened us to this war’s true victims...."One thing that’s certain though is this: Third World or one beyond, they’re all our children now, though borne by millions in brown arms and black, and not much mourned by those who think their own are wonders, others somehow less."'
• Bereaved Families of Ontario (helpful links)
• Child Death, helpful links, including Creative Prompts (Kota Press)
• Compassionate Friends (national self-help organization for help grieving the loss of a child of any age). Resources include a Chapter Locator and online brochures on topics ranging from Understanding Grief, Sudden Death, Surviving Your Child's Suicide or Homicide, The Death of an Adult Child, Death of a Special-Needs Child, Adults Grieving the Death of a Sibling, Suggestions for Various Professionals Dealing with Someone's Loss of a Child. Compassionate Friends' credo: The Compassionate Friends credo: "We reach out to each other in love to share the pain as well as the joy, share the anger as well as the peace, share the faith as well as the doubts, and help each other to grieve as well as to grow. We need not walk alone. We are The Compassionate Friends." Here Linton Weeks describes the healing that goes on at a Compassionate Friends conference.
• When a Child Dies: A Guide for Family and Friends (National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization)
• Deep Grief: Creating Meaning from Mourning (Linton Weeks, NPR, 2-9-10). Some parents in deep grief have found a way to tamp down the madness a little, to go on living . . . by creating a memorial that celebrates the memory of the child, and, at the same time, sustains and propels the child's spirit and hopes and dreams into the future. Story briefly describes three memorial organizations through which bereaved parents can find ways to honor and remember their children: Kate's Kart, Carol's Kitchen, and Healthy Child Healthy World.
• Life After Death: How the mother of a slain 9-year-old sank into despair, then sought justice (Neely Tucker, Washington Post, 1-20-10, part 1)
• Children Don’t Always Live (Jayson Greene, NY Times, 10-22-16) "My daughter, Greta, was 2 years old when she died — or rather, when she was killed. A piece of masonry fell eight stories from an improperly maintained building and struck her in the head... Seven weeks ago, our second child was born; a son, Greta’s younger brother. They would have been exactly three and a half years apart. With his birth, I have become a father to a living child and a spirit — one child on this side of the curtain, and another whispering from beneath it. The confusion is constant, and in my moments of strength I succumb to it. I had a child die, and I chose to become a father again. There can be no greater definition of stupidity or bravery; insanity or clarity; hubris or grace....My son will always have a dead sister; when I am 50, my heart will ache in this exact same way it does today. Children remain dead in ways adults do not, and on bad mornings, in the wrong light, everything from here on out feels like ashes. Thankfully, I see it that way only in the margins."
• Life After the Death of My Son: What I'm Learning by Dennis Apple. A candid account of the devastating loss a parent feels on losing a child. Writes one reader, who also lost a son: "I highly recommend this powerful, yet gentle read; it is truly a guiding light through this storm."
• Losing Tim: A Memoir by Janet Burroway, what she learned about grieving after her son Tim Eysselinck, a former Ranger and Army captain, committed suicide after finishing work in Iraq. "In this remarkably lucid dissection of conflicting impressions and fragmented facts pertaining to Tim’s experiences and mental states, we learn that Tim always wanted to be a soldier, and that he and his mother were loving political opposites. Timothy Eysselinck realized his dream and became a U.S. Army captain, then left the military to continue his humanitarian work removing land mines after that risky task was privatized. As a private contractor in Iraq in 2003, he became enraged by rampant corporate corruption and indifference to human life. In April 2004, this gun-loving son, husband, and father shot himself. As his destitute widow went to court to prove that Tim suffered from PTSD and that she and her children deserved compensation, Burroway gradually perceived that her son’s hidden suffering is part of a vast and as yet untold epic of war crimes."~ Donna Seaman. See also John Grant's review and commentary (This Can't Be Happening, 4-25-14): "What Tim Eysselinck suffered from is called a “moral wound” that, in his case, ended up being fatal. Take a highly moral, idealistic young man with dreams of doing good in the world and set him down in a moral cesspool of corruption like the Iraq Occupation under Henry Kissinger protégé Paul Bremer and you have all the ingredients for a festering psychic wound. In Tim’s case, in a moment of family stress and weakness, he snapped."
•Never Let Go (three-part series, by Kelley Benham, Tampa Bay Times, 12-9-12). Micro preemie parents decide: Fight or let go of their extremely premature baby? Part 1 Lost and Found . When a baby is born at the edge of viability, which is the greater act of love: to save her, or to say goodbye? Part 2, The Zero Zone In a neverland of sick babies, the NICU is a place where there is no future or past. Every moment is a fight for existence.; and Part 3, Calculating the Value of a Life.
• M.E.N.D. (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death), a Christian, nonprofit organization that reaches out to families who have suffered the loss of a baby through miscarriage.
• Multiplicity: The Special Challenge of Parenting Twins & More : Loss, Prematurity, and Special Needs (Elizabeth A. Pector, MD)
• Now We Are Alone: Living On Without Our Sons (Linton Weeks, All Things Considered, 9-3-10, read or listen, 7 min, 44 sec)
• Our First Conversation (Hilton Koppe, Pulse)
• Overcoming Guilt and Loss After the Death of an Adult Child (Dr. Patrick Arbore, Grief and Recovery, Institute on Aging, 4-20-16) "When facing the death of an adult child, you are often overcome with guilt, due to both the broad sense of injustice in outliving your child, and possibly due to particular circumstances of their passing. There are two kinds of guilt here: situational guilt, where you feel as though you could or should have been able to prevent it, and universal guilt, which is more of a metaphysical guilt....Many bereaved parents fear that healing and forgetting are correlated. To feel less pain may not be acceptable because the parent fears losing their child again and the pain is their connection with their dead child. This grief process is complex. Friends, family, and professionals must understand the pace at which the bereaved parent can move into their grief."
• Parents of Fallen Troops Find a Home for Their Grief (Michael M. Phillips, WSJ, 8-13-12). American Gold Star Manor is slowly returning to its 60-year mission as the only dedicated retirement home for bereaved parents of the nation's military.
• Pilgrimage Through Loss: Pathways to Strength and Renewal after the Death of a Child by Linda Lawrence Hunt (based on the loss of her daughter and interviews with 30 families, "a powerful look at the many different ways we grieve and how to accept all of them."
• She let her son play in the rain. He never came back. Nora Krug (Washington Post, 8-26-14) tells Anna Whiston-Donaldson's story of working through the grief from her son's drowning, which she also shares in her memoir Rare Bird: A Memoir of Loss and Love "I wish I had nothing to say on the matter of loss, but I do. Because one day I encouraged my two kids to go out and play in the rain, and only one came home…."
• What Comes After by Liza Mundy ("Losing Leslie" on the cover, Washington Post Magazine, 11-11-07). They lost their daughter in the deadliest campus massacre in U.S. history. Now one parent thinks a lawsuit might be the only way to hold someone accountable for her death, while the other believes it would only prolong their pain. Click here to read the online discussion of the article and the issues involved. Holly Adams and Tony Sherman suffered an inconceivable tragedy when their daughter, Leslie Sherman, was among 32 people killed by a gunman in April 2007 on the Virginia Tech campus. Now they are divided on how to move on with their lives, as Holly struggles to decide whether to join other grieving families to push for accountability with a lawsuit or to focus on her husband and their other daughter, a student at Tech.Click here for the Report of the Virginia Tech Review Panel.
• Who Will Hear a Stored Voice? (Sharon Dobie, Pulse: Voices from the Heart of Medicine,
• Zoom: A Father's Story -- Michael's Story (Bill Chadwick's story and website, with particularly helpful pages on How friend and family can help (with an coworker, a stepparent, a sibling, a grandparent, an employee, etc.)
Books About Grieving the Loss of a Child
• How reading so many books about grief helped me through my own (Sarah Werthan Buttenwieser, Motherwell, 2-2-22) Anyone who has immersed themselves in grief, an experience that isn’t exactly ever of one’s choosing, knows we don’t get over a loss, we carry it forward. Contains a built-in reading list of books about losing a child.
• Dennis L. Apple. Life After the Death of My Son: What I'm Learning
• Lorraine Ash. Life Touches Life: A Mother's Story of Stillbirth and Healing (for parents grieving after the loss of a stillborn baby)
• Judith R. Bernstein. When The Bough Breaks: Forever After the Death of a Son or Daughter
• John R. Claypool. Tracks of a Fellow Struggler: Living and Growing Through Grief Four sermons about his daughter, the first delivered eleven days after his daughter's diagnosis of leukemia, the second after her first major relapse nine months later, and the third weeks after her death. The final sermon, a reflection on the process of grieving, was preached three years later.
• Deborah L. Davis. Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby. Tries to cover many different types of loss.
• Rachel Dickinson,The Loneliest Places: Loss, Grief, and the Long Journey Home "A child's suicide pitches you into a hellish place of fragmentary images, the deepest depression imaginable, efforts to destroy yourself, and an almost complete break with what's happening in the world around you. That was my experience. I wish it upon no one."
• Ann Finkbeiner. After the Death of a Child: Living with Loss through the Years
• Sandy Goodman. Love Never Dies: A Mother's Journey from Loss to Love
• Paul Kirk and Pat Schwiebert (diector of Grief Watch) When Hello Means Goodbye (56-page booklet for parents whose child dies before birth, at birth or shortly after birth, in their early days of grief)
• Anne McCracken and Mary Semel. A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies
• Elizabeth McCracken. An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination: A Memoir. "This is the happiest story in the world with the saddest ending," writes the author. A particularly fine memoir.
• Mitchell, Ellen and others Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child (powerful book in which nine bereaved mothers share their experiences about what life is like after losing a child in their teens or twenties, including Carol Barkin, Audrey Cohen, Lorenza Colletti, Barbara Eisenberg, Barbara Goldstein, Madeline Perri Kasden, Phyllis Levine, Ariella Long, Rita Volpe)
• Rapp, Emily. The Still Point of the Turning World: A Mother's Story. Ronan was diagnosed at nine months old with Tay-Sachs disease, a rare and always-fatal degenerative disorder; Rapp and her husband had to learn to live with their child in the moment; to find happiness in the midst of sorrow; to parent without a future. See also Sarah Manguso's review, Requiem (NY Times, 3-15-13) and listen to Terry Gross's interview with the author (Fresh Air, NPR, 3-18-13).
• Redfern, Suzanne and Susan K. Gilbert. The Grieving Garden: Living with the Death of a Child. Redfern and Gilbert reflect on their own experiences and tell the stories of 22 other parents whose children died at various ages and from various causes, from disease and accidents to suicide and terrorism. Organized in sections that mirror the stages of grief, from immediate reactions, seeking support, effects on family life and relationships, to integrating the loss into one's life and maintaining connections with a loved one.
• Sherokee Ilse. Empty Arms: Coping After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death. Parents with stillborn children are often given this book about baby loss in the hospital. Lori A. Martini, who didn't, wrote "Why didn't we get this book from our doctor's office or our hospital? It could have changed how we met our son, how long we held him, the kind of pictures we took, how we included others during `his' time, and could have also helped us to cherish and increase the memories, mementos and all of the other very normal/healing parenting rituals that others (who were able to read Empty Arms during their loss experience) hold on to now...and that we lack because of not getting the chance to be guided by this enlightening and inspiring book."
•Whiston-Donaldson, Anna. Rare Bird: A Memoir of Loss and Love Anna Whiston-Donaldson's story of working through the grief from her son's drowning. "I wish I had nothing to say on the matter of loss, but I do. Because one day I encouraged my two kids to go out and play in the rain, and only one came home…."
Books about loss, grief, bereavement, and remembering
To help you make it through the night
I use that phrase because more than once I have given people a copy of DYING: A Book of Comfort, which they put aside and ignored--until, one night, grief kept them awake, they picked it up, and found it helpful. I have also been told that people found it on the bedside table of a family member who died.
Clicking on a title here will take you to an Amazon.com description of a book and reviews. If you purchase a book after clicking on a link here that takes you to Amazon, my site gets a small referral fee, which helps pay for the Authors Guild server that hosts the site. I encourage shopping at your local independent bookstore, but Amazon has an excellent database, and bookstores don't carry many of these books.
• Albom, Mitch. Tuesdays with Morrie
• Babcock, Elise. When Life Becomes Precious: The Essential Guide for Patients, Loved Ones, and Friends of Those Facing Serious Illnesses
• Beauvoir, Simone de. A Very Easy Death (about the death of her mother)
• Braestrup, Kate. Here If You Need Me: A True Story
• Brody, Jane. Jane Brody's Guide to the Great Beyond: A Practical Primer to Help You and Your Loved Ones Prepare Medically, Legally, and Emotionally for the End of Life
• Byock, Ira. Dying Well
• Callanan, Maggie, and Patricia Kelley. Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying
•Devine, Megan. It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand The first thing to know: there is nothing wrong with grief. "Grief is simply love in its most wild and painful form," says Megan Devine. "It is a natural and sane response to loss."
• Edelman, Hope.The AfterGrief: Finding Your Way Along the Long Arc of Loss . the death of a loved one isn’t something most of us get over, get past, put down, or move beyond. Grief is not an emotion to pass through on the way to “feeling better.” By the author of Motherless Daughters.
• Elison, Jennifer and Chris McGonigle. Liberating Losses: When Death Brings Relief gives permission for the relief felt by many primary caregivers (especially spouses) about death after a long illness, or when one is released from a difficult or abusive relationship.
• Forsythia, Shelby. Your Grief, Your Way: A Year of Practical Guidance and Comfort After Loss Find relief through short meditations, mindful reframings, journaling prompts, concrete actions, and more.
• Funderburg, Lise. Pig Candy: Taking My Father South, Taking My Father Home (a compelling and beautifully written memoir by a grown daughter—a white-looking mixed-race girl raised in an integrated Philadelphia neighborhood—who gets to know her dying father in a string of pilgrimages to his boyhood hometown in rural Georgia)
• Grollman, Earl A. Explaining Death to Children
• Gunther, John J. Death Be Not Proud (a young son's death from brain cancer)
• Hammer, Signe. By Her Own Hand: Memoirs of a Suicide's Daughter
• Harris, Mark. Grave Matters: A Journey Through the Modern Funeral Industry to a Natural Way of Burial (why eco-friendly burials make sense)
• Hickman, Martha W. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief
• Hill, Susan. Family (about the death of a premature child)
• James, John W. and Russell Friedman. The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith. By the same authors (with Leslie Mathews): When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses
• Jamison, Kay Redfield. Nothing Was the Same. The story of a midlife romance and marriage (she manic-depressive, he extremely dyslexic, and the difference between grief, madness, and depression. More about the marriage and dying than about widowhood and grief.
• Kaplan, Robbie Miller. How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say: The Right Words for Difficult Times--Illness and Death (less expensive ordered from the author)
• Kessler, David. The Needs of the Dying: A Guide for Bringing Hope, Comfort, and Love to Life's Final Chapter (about the need to be treated as a living human being, the need for hope, the need to express emotions, the need to participate in care, the need for honesty, the need for spirituality, and the need to be free of physical pain).
• Kowalski, Gary. Goodbye, Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost a Pet
• Kushner, Harold S. When Bad Things Happen to Good People
• Latus, Janine. If I Am Missing or Dead: A Sister's Story of Love, Murder, and Liberation
• Levin, Mark R. Rescuing Sprite: A Dog Lover's Story of Joy and Anguish
• Lewis, C.S. A Grief Observed
• Lindquist, Ulla-Carin. Rowing Without Oars: A Memoir of Living and Dying (a brief, grim, and moving memoir of living and dying with ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease--not an easy death).
• Lynn, Joanne and Joan Harrold. Handbook for Mortals: Guidance for People Facing Serious Illness (Center to Improve Care for the Dying). Very practical, covering all the bases.
• Mallon, Elaine. Healing After the Loss of Your Mother: A Grief & Comfort Manual
• McCracken, Anne and Mary Semel. A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies
• McNees, Pat, ed. Dying: A Book of Comfort. Gems of comfort, healing words on loss and grief.
• McWilliams, Peter, Harold H. Bloomfield, and Melba Colgrove. How to Survive the Loss of a Love
• Miller, James, with Susan Cutshall. The Art of Being a Healing Presence: A Guide for Those in Caring Relationships (how to be present in a way that is healing, nourishing, and potentially even transforming)
• Mitchell, Ellen and eight other mothers. Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child (powerful book in which nine bereaved mothers share their experiences about what life is like after losing a child in their teens or twenties, including Ellen Mitchell, Carol Barkin, Audrey Cohen, Lorenza Colletti, Barbara Eisenberg, Barbara Goldstein, Madeline Perri Kasden, Phyllis Levine, Ariella Long, Rita Volpe )
• Morrison, Blake. When Did You Last See Your Father?: A Son's Memoir of Love and Loss
• Myers, Edward. When Parents Die: A Guide for Adults
• Nuland, Sherwin B. How We Die: Reflections on Life's Final Chapter (superb explanations of the actual physical process of dying and good on why and when to stop trying to rescue the terminally ill and to let them die peacefully and in less pain and discomfort)
• Oates, Joyce Carol. A Widow's Story. A memoir of sudden widowhood, after 48 years of marriage. Her remarriage a year later elicited strong reactions. Read Should Joyce Carol Oates have revealed her second marriage? (David L. Ulin, Jacket Copy, L.A.Times 5-15-11) and listen to Michael Krasny's interview with Oates, KQED (and read NPR's forum comments). (See also "The Widow's Story," about the death of her husband, Raymond J. Smith, in New Yorker (12-13-10, subscribers only).
• O'Rourke, Meghan. The Long Goodbye: a memoir, which Alice Gregory reviews for NPR in 'The Long Goodbye': A Syllabus For Modern Mourning.
• Pajevic, Tanja. The Secret Life of Grief: A Memoir How to grieve consciously in a society that barely recognizes grief.
• Picardie, Ruth. Before I Say Goodbye: Recollections and Observations from One Woman's Final Year
• Rando, Theresa A. How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies
• Rappaport, Nancy. In Her Wake: A Child Psychiatrist Explores the Mystery of Her Mother's Suicide. Haunted by the 1963 death of her mother, a Boston socialite, from an overdose when Rappaport was only four (the youngest of six children), the author tries to reconstruct what happened. As her brother asked: Didn't their mother know that she would leave all these shattered children wondering if it was their fault?
• Redfern, Suzanne and Susan K. Gilbert. The Grieving Garden: Living with the Death of a Child. Redfern and Gilbert reflect on their own experiences and tell the stories of 22 other parents whose children died at various ages and from various causes, from disease and accidents to suicide and terrorism. Organized in sections that mirror the stages of grief, from immediate reactions, seeking support, effects on family life and relationships, to integrating the loss into one's life and maintaining connections with a loved one.
• Rinpoche, Sogyal. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying
• Rosenblatt, Roger. Making Toast by Roger Rosenblatt, which E.L. Doctorow describes thus: "A painfully beautiful memoir telling how grandparents are made over into parents, how people die out of order, how time goes backwards. Written with such restraint as to be both heartbreaking and instructive."
• Sittser, Jerry L. A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss (about the transformative grace that can come even in the face of catastrophic loss)
• Soffer, Rebecca and Gabrielle Birkner. Modern Loss: Candid Conversation About Grief. Beginners Welcome. A wise and irreverent collection of essays and tips on navigating grief in the modern age. “Modern Loss is a book about grieving and death that shimmers with life. In turn raw, searing, charming, witty and funny—Modern Loss is full of surprises and is definitely not your mother’s death and dying book.” — Dave Isay, Founder, Storycorps
• Taylor, Nick. A Necessary End (about death of parents)
• Vincent, Eleanor. Swimming with Maya: A Mother's Story (how the daughter's fall from a horse ended in organ donations--transforming a mother's grief)
• Viorst, Judith. Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow
• Waxman, Robert and Linda. Losing Jonathan (losing a beloved child to drugs)
• Wiesel, Elie. Night (powerful account of surviving the nightmare world of the Nazi death camps)
• Williams, Marjorie. The Woman at the Washington Zoo: Writings on Politics, Family, and Fate (the last third is about her losing battle with cancer, saying goodbye to her family)
Bereavement, grief, and recovery
"To mourn is to wonder at the strangeness that grief is not written all over your face in bruised hieroglyphics. And it's also to feel, quite powerfully, that you're not allowed to descend into the deepest fathom of your grief -- that to do so would be taboo somehow."
~ Meghan O'Rourke
"Grief is the be of loss, and mourning is the do. Writing tribute — obituary — to honour, to remember, to story, is part of mourning."~ Lives Well Lived
• Image of the weight of grief (LoveLaneCelebrants, the most beautiful Facebook page ever, with wonderful text on many pages, also)
• It’s Mourning in America (Cody Delistraty, The Weekend Essay, New Yorker, 6-22-24) "In the past century, grief has shifted from a public process to a private problem—something meant to be solved. Is there a better way? Loss wasn’t always obscured or seen as a trial to overcome. Typical mourning rites can seem to take closure to an extreme: at a funeral, loved ones may surround and console you for an afternoon, but we have few widespread customs that continue in the aftermath. "And then there is the stigma of grief—the idea, now rampant in American life, of closure. Most people are loath to linger in loss. We are expected to get back to work, back to normal. "The exploitative aspect of publicity grieving is obvious. Still, it’s notable that collective mourning is once again part of the texture of daily life."
• A brutal murder, a welcoming pub and an elegiac essay of place (Laurie Hertzel, Why's This So Good? Nieman Storyboard, 5-15-24) An Irish Times writer refused the easy draw of a lurid murder, and instead delivered a deadline ode to community
• Understanding Grief (Jane E. Brody, NY Times, 1-15-18) On dealing wisely with its aftermath: grief, the natural reaction to loss of a loved one. Relatively few of us know what to say or do that can be truly helpful to a relative, friend or acquaintance who is grieving. “There is no right or wrong in grief; we need to accept whatever form it takes, both in ourselves and in others.” That's the message in two books she reviews:
---It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine. "She understands the pain that grieving people carry on top of their actual grief, including the pain of being judged, dismissed, and misunderstood."
---Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving by Julia Samuel. “Especially illuminating in its coverage of how people cope with different kinds of losses.”
• Grief Is a Forever Thing (Jill Bialosky, NY Times, 11-27-22) "My 21-year-old sister ended her life on April 16, 1990. There isn’t a week that goes by that I don’t think of her....Calling prolonged grief a disorder is useful for insurance purposes, which may be a good thing for those who need treatment. But this paradigm has unintended consequences, suggesting that it is abnormal not to be able to return to daily life after suffering from loss." Ms. Bialosky is the author of History of a Suicide: My Sister’s Unfinished Life “Valiant and eloquent…Bialosky’s thoughtful book elucidates the complexity of suicide.” ~ Washington Post Book World
• A Stone You Never Put Down: The Secret Languages of Grief (Lit Hub, 5-6-21) Carol Smith on Finding a Lexicon Beyond Words After Unimaginable Loss. Her memoir: Crossing the River: Seven Stories That Saved My Life, A Memoir. Kate Lindsay
• My Mom Will Email Me After She Dies (Kate LIndsay, The Atlantic, 8-23) It’s common now for people to linger as digital ghosts after they die, transforming the nature of loss. Websites shut down, accounts get hacked, devices break. It’s not safe to assume that direct-message conversations and other social-media memories will be there forever.
• The Unexpected Gifts of Writing About Grief (Jacquelyn Mitchard, LitHub, 2-24-22) On telling stories that offer the hope of hope
• Chronicle of a Death Foretold (Simon Evans, 5-23-22) "It is always, as men and women of a certain age have been telling the young and disinclined-to-hear since Homer was in short togas, later than you think. And the lights start flickering long before the final curtain falls....This I think, is why losing a daughter to adulthood, and losing a friend for good, have something important in common - even when they don’t occur with almost absurdly novelistic heavy-handedness on the very same wretched afternoon. What we have lost with both, is time."
• The Relentlessness of Black Grief (Marissa Evans, The Atlantic, 9-27-2020) Grief in this country has always had an equity problem, and 2020 has only amplified the issue, as Black deaths have come in back-to-back blows, from the coronavirus, police brutality, and the natural deaths of those we look up to most. We are in the middle of a Black bereavement crisis, and we do not have the privilege or time to grieve.
• Spiritual leader Amichai-Lau Lavie integrates Judaism’s oldest form of sacred storytelling with contemporary stagecraft. The rabbi holds a virtual mourner’s session every Thursday online (see Lab/Shul calendar). He also started something called Storah Telling as well as LabShul. “Lab/Shul is as an experimental emergency organ transplant that transfers the beating heart of Judaism into a communal body that better reflects our lives. You seek not to replace but to redesign, to replenish, to reconnect, and to redefine.” ~ Amy / East Village
• Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper's beautiful conversation about grief (YouTube video, 21 minutes) Not often do we have a chance to listen to men talk about how they have experienced grief. This is worth a listen.
• Grief Work (Ashley Bethard, VIDA Review) Evocative, award-winning essay. Grieving the death of her sibling, she revisits their childhood home in the country, where the removal of many dying trees elicits grief that she also feels for the loss of her sister. ("They" might confuse you. It's she/her/they talk for her sister.)
• Grief Stories Videos, blog, and/or podcast. Professional filmmakers harness the power of video to capture genuine stories shared by real people and health professionals offering insights about grief and loss. See also Crisis resources in Canada.
• Stephen Colbert on grief (Chase Reeves.co, 2015)
• On the Persistence of Magical Thinking in the Face of Grief (Mary-Frances O'Connor, LitHub, 2-7-22) Our grieving brains can hold mutually exclusive truths. If a person we love is missing, then our brain assumes they are far away and will be found later.
• Twenty Years Gone: What Bobby McIlvaine Left Behind (Jennifer Senior, The Atlantic, 8-9-21) Grief, conspiracy theories, and one family’s search for meaning in the two decades since 9/11. The writer Jennifer Senior’s brother was Bobby’s roommate when he died, and in the cover story for The Atlantic’s September issue, she visited with each member of the family to understand their personal journey through the aftermath of national tragedy. A very long story about the death of a wonderful young man on 9/11, as remembered by his family. Worth reading.
"Early on, the McIlvaines spoke to a therapist who warned them that each member of their family would grieve differently. Imagine that you’re all at the top of a mountain, she told them, but you all have broken bones, so you can’t help each other. You each have to find your own way down." To which a psychology professor says, “That suggests everyone will make it down,” she told me. “Some people never get down the mountain at all.”
Listen also to Mourning Bobby McIlvaine. (On The Experiment podcast: What 9/11 Did to One Family)
• Transition Lenses (Jessica Petrow-Cohen, Brevity, 9-14-24) "The only thing I know about grief is that it’s always changing."
• AARP resources on grief and loss
• After Life. Radiolab stares down the very moment of passing, and speculates about what may lay beyond. What happens at the moment when we slip from life...to the other side? Is it a moment? If it is, when exactly does it happen? And what happens afterward? A show of questions that don't have easy answers so, in a slight departure from Radiolab's regular format, they present eleven meditations on how, when, and even if we die. (Followed by some angry responses from listeners!)
Grieving the loss of a pet, an animal
• BBC One video of elephants grieving In this touching scene from BBC One's #LifeStory, elephants delicately stroke the bones of an ancestor. We cannot know what they are thinking, but perhaps, like humans, they have a sense of a shared history?
• The ambivalent bond with a ball of fur (Natalie Angier on grieving the death of her cat, New York Times Science section)
• Pet Loss and End-of-Life FAQ (helpful ASPCA articles, including one on pet hospice or palliative care, to reduce suffering). See also Ann Cochran's practical article, When a Pet Dies: Where to Go For Help (Washingtonian Magazine, 3-30-11), and her story Saying Goodbye to a Favorite Pet (her poodle, Lacey).
• How much can you mourn a pet? (Finlo Rohrer, BBC News Magazine, 1-13-10)
• Children and the Death of a Pet (Harold Cohen, PsychCentral,
• The 15 Myths about Pet Loss (Tom Gray, PsychCentral)
• Goodbye, Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost a Pet by Gary Kowalski
• When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses by John W. James, Russell Friedman. and Leslie Mathews
• Daughter Wants to Help Mom after Death of Beloved Dog (Marty Tousley, Open to Hope, 2-11-10)
• Rescuing Sprite: A Dog Lover's Story of Joy and Anguish by Mark R. Levin. If you've ever loved a pet, you need this book, says one reader.
• Vet locks himself in a hot car (Dr. Ernie Ward, video on Facebook) To persuade pet owners not to leave their pets in a parked car, especially on a hot day, he locks himself in his car, with windows down less than an inch, and records the rapidly rising temperature--which would no doubt kill a dog, after first making it desperately hot, as dogs don't have humans' ability to perspire.
• Ask a Mortician. Caitlin Doughty frankly answers questions people ask about death, dying, decomposition, mourning, funeral customs, etc. (e.g., "How long does rigor mortis last?")--on video, on the Ask a Mortician channel of YouTube. See also Caitlin's website The Order of the Good Death, a website about mortality.
• The Beneficial Effects of Life Story and Legacy Activities by Pat McNees (Journal of Geriatric Care Management, Spring 2009). Get PDF file of journal article here (61.9KB)
• The Bereaved Employee: Returning to Work (Helen Fitzgerald, American Hospice Foundation) Thinking ahead will make your return to work easier and less painful. Healing from the death of a loved one is a long, slow process, but getting back into a routine is an important step in the journey.
The Bread I Still Can’t Bear To Bake (Lisa Kolb, Modern Loss, 4-17-18) Some people say grief is bitter, but I say it is nutty whole-wheat flavored, slightly sweet with molasses.
Buddhism 101 (Heather Kirn Lanier, in Sweet, a Literary Confession, an issue on dying.
Clearances , a poem by Seamus Heaney (Poetry Foundation)
• A Daughter's Separation Anxiety (Nicole Bokat, Opinionator series on anxiety , NY Times, 4-15-13). "When my father was alive, our relationship was virtually symbiotic. After he was gone, I realized he’d been my antidepressant."
• Dealing with anger in grief (Zinta Harris, The Art of Dealing with the Unexpected, Catching the Curveball, 2-15-18) Realise that you are not being yourself. Express then let go of the anger. Find freedom in forgiveness. Under the anger is the pain, the very unique pain of a loss that no-one else will experience the same way.
• Euphemisms for Death (Melissa Barber, Living with Dying blog, 9-14-12) By keeping the reality of death at arm's length, we're probably adding to bigger societal issues such as treating death as a taboo subject for discussion.
Coping with Loss. Links to many useful resources on various topics, including advance directives, adolescent and children's grief, cultural differences in mourning, death of a grandchild or a grandparent, death of a parent, child, or sibling, end-of-life issue, funerals and memorials, what to expect from grief and self-care, gender differences in the grief process, and so on -- from the Association of Death Education and Counseling (ADEC)
Ecclesiastes: "One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth for ever."
Financial Guidance for Widows Struggling Through Grief’s Fog (Kerry Hannon, Retirement, NY Times, 2-19-16)
Finding Joy in My Father’s Death (Ann Patchett, The End, NY Times Opinionator, 2-27-15) "I was glad for my father, the end of his suffering, his ticket off the raft, but it was more than that."
Find Someone Who Gets It (Joan Hitchens, Grief Reflection, 5-4-11)
Forgiveness (Diane Jardel, Cowbird). Lovely poem about complex reaction to a mother about whom one held ambivalent feelings.
‘For Sorrow There Is No Remedy’. Julian Barnes's interesting essay-review of Joyce Carol Oates' memoir of sudden widowhood, after 48 years of marriage, A Widow's Story. Worth reading for the essay alone.
Fresh Widows: A Conversation (the book) by Sue Bastian and Mary Metzger and Fresh Widows (the blog). Two women who both lost their husbands after long illness (one from cancer, one from Alzheimer's) meet and write to each other. This refreshing take on widowhood acknowledges the grief but conveys how finding a widow-buddy to get through that first year can be a positive step toward healing and the kind of friendship you may need when you leave the world of couples. With a widow-buddy you don't need to explain how you're feeling and what you're going through. A quick read in short takes--just what a grieving widow or widower can handle.
Good Grief: Coping After Loss (Lybi Ma, Psychology Today, 5-1-03, 7-16-09). Coping styles vary.
• Grief and Bereavement, audio and transcript of roundtable discussion with gerontologist Ken Doka, social scientist Phyllis Silverman, and Rabbi Earl Grollman of the Center of Death Education, hosted by Linda Wertheimer, for All Things Considered, as part of its wonderful series The End of Life: Exploring Death in America.
• Grief and loss, articles about (Marty Tousley's helpful page of links)
• Grief and loss (important explanations on CaringInfo, site of National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization), including a particularly helpful explanation of types of grief and loss (including anticipatory mourning, sudden loss, complicated grief, grieving during the holidays, grief and loss following traumas and disaster, grief and young people)
• Grief at Work (American Hospice Foundation). One of several helpful pieces on grief, including several on Helping children grieve.
• The Grief I’m Not Allowed to Have (Stefani Twyford, Feminine.Collective, 6-29-16) "While in many ways I am very lucky to still have my parents with me, I am also aware that I am intensely grieving for two relationships I lost a very long time ago. When the balance shifted from being their daughter to being their caregiver, the emotional loss was huge. And over time, as they continue to decline, I seesaw back and forth between feeling blessed and feeling wiped out."
• Grief, loss, and transitions (many relevant poems, Journey of Hearts blog)
• Grief, bereavement, and coping with loss (National Cancer Institute)
• “Grief isn’t about ‘closure.’ Nor is it something to overcome or get past. It’s something to lean into, to embrace.” (Arianna Huffington, Option B, April 2017) Her mother's death taught her the importance of allowing oneself the love and connection with others that the heightened vulnerability of death and grief can bring us.
• Option B: Coping with grief resources: articles and stories (See also Option B resources and stories on health, illness, and injury; abuse and sexual assault; divorce and family challenges; incarceration; raising resilient kids; resilience.
The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith by John W. James and Russell Friedman. James, Friedman, and Leslie Mathews also wrote When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses
• The Grief Recovery Method , blog by John W. James and Russell Friedman, with such helpful articles as
--- On crying and grief
---Death of a long term spouse. Legacy of love or monument to misery.
---Why we don’t agree with the 5 stages of grief
---Am I paranoid or are people avoiding me?
---Unresolved Grief: The end of difficult relationships with less than loved ones
---Pay me now or pay me later. The high cost of unresolved Grief
• Grieving an AIDS-related death (Empowering Caregivers, Care-givers.com)
• Grieving a Loss (National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization) Links to many helpful articles--on advance directives, planning ahead, caregiving, end-of-life care, grief, pain, pediatric death, professional resources, serious illness, Spanish-language and Mandarin Chinese resources.
• Grieving Death By a Sudden Loss Losing someone suddenly can lead to a difficult grieving process. Four important truths about sudden loss. Things you can do to support someone who has suffered a sudden loss.
• Hello Grief Articles about healing from grief and loss. A place to share and learn about loss and grief.
• Helping Children Cope with the Death of a Loved One (National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization) "Vague answers often confuse children and increase their fears and uncertainty.Remember, children tend to take things literally. If we tell children that someone has gone on a long trip, they will expect that person to return and perhaps feel guilty that they drove the person away. When talking with children about death keep in mind that honesty, compassion and above all, love, are essential."
• Healing with EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) (Tom Golden, Webhealing.com)
• Helping Children with Grief and Trauma by Linda Goldman. Helping the Grieving Child in School and other Goldman articles about grieving.
• Help2Heal UK Helplines and online resources for the grieving.
• How to Conduct Compassionate Interviews at the Scene of a Tragedy & Dealing with Our Own Responses to What We See and Hear: A Guide for Journalists by Russell Friedman and John W. James (The Grief Recovery Institute Educational Foundation--a 28-page PDF file well worth downloading, whether you're a journalists or not).
• How to Help Children Handle Grief (The Center for Grieving Children, 7-16- 19. See also What to Tell Children about Suicide (The Center for Grieving Children, 7-16-19) and many other useful articles about dealing with grief.
• How to Help Ourselves Through the Holidays (Donna Kalb, on Zoom: A Father's Story website) Don't Forget: "Anticipation of any holiday is usually much worse than the actual holiday."
• How to Help Your Grieving Parent (and Yourself) After the Death of Your Mom or Dad (Helen Fitzgerald, Legacy, April 2009) How to comfort a surviving parent while grieving your own loss.
• How to Move On After the Death of a Loved One (Lisa H. Warren)
• It Is Never Over, Never Escaped: Memories of Religious Terror in Kashmir (Aarti Tikoo Singh, My Turn, Newsweek, 1-2-09) -- For years, only news from Kashmir could stir my nightmares of childhood terror. Then came Mumbai.
It’s the hard days that determine who you are (Sheryl Sandberg, Boston Globe, 5-16-16). An edited version of a commencement speech she gave at the University of California, Berkeley). A powerful speech about the transforming power of gratitude. 'A few weeks after Dave died, I was talking to my friend Phil about a father-son activity that Dave was not here to do. We came up with a plan to fill in for Dave. I cried to him, “But I want Dave.” Phil put his arm around me and said, “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.” ...anchored deep within you is the ability to learn and grow. You are not born with a fixed amount of resilience. Like a muscle, you can build it up, draw on it when you need it. In that process you will figure out who you really are — and you just might become the very best version of yourself. ' You can watch video of speech on Facebook.
• Jacinda Ardern Has Rewritten the Script for How a Nation Grieves After a Terrorist Attack (Masha Gessen, New Yorker, 3-22-19) 'Jacinda Ardern, the Prime Minister of New Zealand, has staged a revolution. In the wake of a shooting that killed fifty people, in two mosques, in the city of Christchurch last Friday, Ardern has quietly upended every expectation about the way Western states and their leaders respond to terrorist attacks....Ardern immediately showed that she had no time for the perpetrator of the mosque shootings....The opposite of terror is not courage, victory, or even justice, and it is certainly not “war on terror.” The opposite of terror is disregard for the terrorist....“He sought many things from his act of terror, but one was notoriety. And that is why you will never hear me mention his name."'
KidsPeace (helping kids in crisis)
Letting Children Share in Grief (Catherine Saint Louis, NY Times, 9-19-12) As J. William Worden, a psychologist and one of the key investigators on the 1986 Harvard Child Bereavement Study, said, “The value of bereavement programs for kids is it helps them feel less ‘odd person out.’ ” As Rabbi Grollman, 87, who wrote the influential 1967 book Explaining Death to Children, said, “Thirty years ago, there was the idea that children couldn’t understand.” But now, after a death in the family, many parents allow children to see their grief, he added. “We try to avoid fairy tales and half-truths.” A must-read article on this topic.
Liberating Losses: When Death Brings Relief by Jennifer Elison and Chris McGonigle gives permission for this common but nontraditional response to death, the relief felt by many primary caregivers (especially spouses) after a long illness, or felt when one is released from a difficult or abusive relationship.
A LifeCare ® Guide to Grief and Bereavement (PDF)
Living alone
• Why I'm So Intrigued By This New Chapter Of My Life -- Living Alone (Lisa Condie, HuffPost, 11-23-13)
• A Silent Partner to Share the Path of Love (Sarah Herrington, Modern Love, 11-21-13) Arriving at the Japanese concept of wabi-sabi, of finding the perfect in the imperfect.
The Long Goodbye: a memoir by Meghan O'Rourke, which Alice Gregory reviews for NPR in 'The Long Goodbye': A Syllabus For Modern Mourning.
Lottery Tickets (Elizabeth Alexander, Personal History, New Yorker, 2-9-15) Beautiful piece about grieving for a husband.
See also Meghan O'Rourke's excellent series about grief and grieving (which became the book):
• The Long Goodbye
• The Long Goodbye:Finding a Metaphor for Your Loss
• The Long Goodbye: “Normal” vs. “Complicated” Grief
• Hamlet’s Not Depressed. He’s Grieving.
• Dreaming of the Dead
• Can Nature Help Assuage Your Grief?
• The Long Goodbye: Watching Someone You Love Accept Death
• The Long Goodbye: What Is It Like To Recover From Grief?
• Finding a Metaphor for Your Loss
• Hamlet's Not Depressed. He's Grieving.
• And it's all in a book: The Long Goodbye: A Memoir.
An excerpt: "In the days following my mother's death, I did not know what I was supposed to do, nor, it seemed, did my friends and colleagues, especially those who had never suffered a similar loss. Some sent flowers but did not call for weeks. One friend launched into fifteen minutes of small talk when she saw me, before asking how I was, as if we had to warm up before diving into the churning, dangerous waters of grief. Others sent worried e-mails a few weeks later, signing off: 'I hope you're doing well.' It was a kind sentiment, but it made me angry. I was not 'doing well.' And I found no relief in that worn-out refrain that at least my mother was 'no longer suffering.'"
• 'Making Toast': Simple Gestures for Moving On , National Public Radio story and review of Making Toast by Roger Rosenblatt, which E.L. Doctorow describes thus: "A painfully beautiful memoir telling how grandparents are made over into parents, how people die out of order, how time goes backwards. Written with such restraint as to be both heartbreaking and instructive.
• Mary Oliver on Grief and Loss (New York Times, 1-17-19) Lovely brief passages of poetry.
• My Dad Was Dying While I Was Divorcing (Molly Rosen Guy, Modern Loss, 6-14-18) I vowed never to speak with my ex-husband again. Then my father was diagnosed with leukemia.
National Alliance for Grieving Children (NAGC). Resources include Webinars (free to members, a fee for nonmembers). See other resources, including this list of Books to help children and teenagers cope with change and loss
New Novel Explores 'What We Lose' When We Lose A Parent (Lulu Garcia-Navarro interviews Zinzi Clemmons about her loosely autobiographical novel What We Lose, Weekend Edition, NPR, 7-16-17) . The novel: What We Lose
On Loss and Regret (André Aciman, NY Times, 2-2-13). "Remorse now hangs like an albatross: you should have tried harder to make special occasions for her. She had probably expected and deserved more than the handful you doled out over the years."
The Order of the Good Death, a group of funeral industry professionals, academics, and artists exploring ways to prepare a death phobic culture for their inevitable mortality. Read their blog.
Putting My Dead Mom in the Cloud (Marisa Bardach Ramel, Modern Loss, 5-9-18) After stalling for 15 years, I finally have a low touch way to introduce my kids to the vibrant woman I knew.
• Raising Grieving Children: How children can survive the death of a loved one (Phyllis R. Silverman, Psychology Today 2-15-2010)
• Ready to Fall in Love With Yourself Again or With Someone Else? (Nancy Sharp, The Ethel, AARP, 6-22-23) Three prompts to jump-start your quest.
• Saying Goodbye: Talking to Kids About Death (Christina Frank, Parents, 2008) Q&A format, addressing several common scenarios.
• Starting Over at 62 (Robert Julian, star of the reality series, Golden Gays, on Huff Post blog, 4-6-13). On coping with the loss of his partner of 23 years.
• The Strangeness of Grief (V. S. Naipaul, New Yorker, 1-6-20) A writer reckons with the different forms of loss, first losing a father and later losing a beloved cat.
• Suddenly, They’re All Gone (Carol Mithers, The New Old Age, NY Times, 3-22-13) The caregiving is over, but instead of feeling relieved, I feel worse.
The Trauma of Being Alive (Mark Epstein, Sunday Review, NY Times, 8-3-13) An undercurrent of injury and disaster runs through ordinary life. "The first day of school and the first day in an assisted-living facility are remarkably similar. Separation and loss touch everyone." ... "The willingness to face traumas — be they large, small, primitive or fresh — is the key to healing from them."
Wave by Sonali Deraniyagala. Her entire family perished in the Pacific tsunami that swept through Sri Lanka on Dec. 26, 2004. She was the sole survivor. The narrator for the audio book wrote: "I was privileged to be the narrator for this book. It is the most profound book I have ever read and also one of the most beautiful, gripping and readable."
What it's like to live alone for the first time at 83 (Anne Bernays, WashPost, 6-7-15) "The first line of a poem I have yet to complete goes: "Who would exchange worry for grief?" Well, actually, I would. But I no longer have to worry about whether or not he swallowed his daily ration of 17 pills; about that funny rash on his head; about his next doctor's appointment; about why he had fallen in the kitchen again. What's taken the place of worry? Food.' A moving and realistic essay on both the loss and the gains.
What the Living Do (a poem by Marie Howe, The Atlantic, April 1994)
Death, dying, and grief in the age of social media
• An Online Generation Redefines Mourning (Hannah Seligson, NY Times, 3-21-14). For the milennials, condolence notes may come in the form of text messages. Indirectly, a guide to helpful online sites and tasteless online behavior, including "performative grief," or "self-indulgent, ‘look at me’ behavior," and comments that can publicly inflict hurt on suffering families.
• How Social Media Is Changing The Way We Approach Death (Paul Bisceglio, The Atlantic, 8-20-13) Death has long been taboo in an American culture that values youth, but an open conversation online can increase our enjoyment of life and understanding of its eventual end.
• On Twitter, Scott Simon's Long Goodbye To His Mother (Andy Carvin, The Two-Way, NPR, 7-30-13)
• Scott Simon On Sharing His Mother's Final Moments On Twitter (NPR staff, All Things Considered, 7-30-13)
• Scott Simon's Tweets About Dying Mother Spur Conversation On Public Grief, Death On Social Media
• Art of Dying Institute
• Canadian Virtual Hospice (information and support on palliative and end-of-life care, loss and grief
• Caregiver Finances (Caring.com)
• Compassionate Friends (grief support after the loss of a child)
• Coursework in Grief (a free online resource)
• The End (Opinionator columns about death and dying and end-of-life care, The New York Times)
• End of Life Stories (grieflossstories)
• GriefNet.org
• Grieving.com (there are special forums for Loss of a Parent, Loss of a Child, Loss of a Partner, Losing Family and Friends, Loss of a Sibling, Loss of a Pet, Violent Death, Caregiving and Terminal Illness, Coping with Terminal Illness & Upcoming Death, Grief & Justice, Grief & the Legal System, Grief and War, and so on.
• Grieving Behind the Badge ("Changing the way first responders and their families cope with grief" -- among other things providing an invaluable assortment of links to other resources)
• Guide to Grieving Support Services (Wise Old Sayings)
• Hello Grief (a community that understands grief and loss)
• The Inspired Funeral (support for people wishing to deepen end-of-life ritual experiences by funeral director Amy Cunningham)
• Journeys Through Grief (the Sweeney Alliance)
• KidsAid.com (a safe place for kids to help each other deal with grief and loss)
• LegacyConnect
• Lisa Frank Mix Tape (“90s Music, 21st Century Grief”) Zoe Feldman invites essays on loss, in exchange for which she sends you a mix tape). "The only thing that helped me was talking to people my age who had experienced some devastating loss,” she told the New York Times.
• Modern Loss (candid conversations about grief) ("Loss hurts. Tell us how you coped and we must might publish your story"--essays, advice, and discussions of questions it might be hard to find answers to elsewhere.
• Open to Hope (giving a voice to grief and recovery after loss of a parent, a spouse, a sibling, a child)
• The Order of the Good Death, site also of Ask the Mortician
• Parents of Murdered Children (for family and friends of those who have died by violence)
• Planet Grief (comfort, hope, help)
Buy Now - Dying: A Book of Comfort
[Go Top]
Selections from DYING
about Grief and Recovery
There are many, many more in the book, of course.
"For two years . . . I was just as crazy as you can be and still be at large. I didn't have any really normal minutes during those two years. It wasn't just grief. It was total confusion. I was nutty, and that's the truth. How did I come out of it? I don't know, because I didn't know when I was in it that I was in it."
~ Helen Hayes, the actress, on the death of her husband Charles MacArthur
And time remembered is grief forgotten,
And frosts are slain and flowers begotten,
And in green underwood and cover
Blossom by blossom the spring begins.
~ Algernon Charles Swinburne
You can't prevent birds of sorrow fling over your head--but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.
~ Chinese proverb
I measure every Grief I meet
With narrow, probing Eyes--
I wonder if it weighs like Mine--
Or has an easier size.
~ Emily Dickinson
Grief can be the garden of compassion.
~ Jelaluddin Rumi
Buy the gift book edition of DYING: A Book of Comfort
Complicated and disenfranchised grief and ambiguous loss
Complicated grief reactions include minimal reaction to death and chronic grief, which lasts longer than usual and with symptoms close to those for major depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress. Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not acknowledged as "legitimate" by society -- for example, grief for aborted or miscarried babies, the loss of a pet, the loss of a home or place of residence (for children, especially), a mother's loss of children to adoption, the grief of a birth mother who relinquishes the child so someone else may raise him or her, the grief of the death of a celebrity, the death of an "old love," sometimes the loss of loved one to suicide. Even regular forms of grief may become disenfranchised when friends decide that the "normal" length of time for grieving has been exceeded.
• When Grief Won't Relent (Jane E. Brody, NY Times, 2-16-15) Complicated grief is an extreme, unrelenting reaction to loss that persists for more than six months and can result in a serious risk to health. It may respond best to "complicated grief treatment, which relies heavily on strategies used in cognitive behavioral therapy." (Based on story about complicated grief by Katherine Shear, MD, in New England Journal of Medicine.)
Complicated grief reactions include minimal reaction to death and chronic grief, which lasts longer than usual and with symptoms close to those for major depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress. Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not acknowledged as "legitimate" by society -- for example, grief for aborted or miscarried babies, the loss of a pet, the loss of a home or place of residence (for children, especially), a mother's loss of children to adoption, the grief of a birth mother who relinquishes the child so someone else may raise him or her, the grief of the death of a celebrity, the death of an "old love," sometimes the loss of loved one to suicide. Even regular forms of grief may become disenfranchised when friends decide that the "normal" length of time for grieving has been exceeded.
“'Ambiguous grief' is an excellent term to help describe and understand many experiences of grief and grieving that otherwise get sidelined." ~Samantha Mackay @samanthapmackay
• Understanding Grief (Jane E. Brody, NY Times, 1-15-18) Two new books by psychotherapists who have worked extensively in the field of loss and grief are replete with stories and guidance that can help both those in mourning and the people they encounter avoid many of the common pitfalls and misunderstandings associated with grief. Both books attempt to correct false assumptions about how and how long grief might be experienced.
---It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine. “Unacknowledged and unheard pain doesn’t go away. The way to survive grief is by allowing pain to exist, not in trying to cover it up or rush through it." To those who grieve, she suggests finding a nondestructive way to express it. “If you can’t tell your story to another human, find another way: journal, paint, make your grief into a graphic novel with a very dark story line. Or go out to the woods and tell the trees. It is an immense relief to be able to tell your story without someone trying to fix it.” Being “encouraged to ‘get over it’ is one of the biggest causes of suffering inside grief.”
---Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving by Julia Samuel. “Recovery and adjustment can take much longer than most people realize. There is no right or wrong in grief; we need to accept whatever form it takes, both in ourselves and in others.”
• All My Friends Live in My Computer: Trauma, Tactical Media, and Meaning by Samira Rajabi (@srajabi)When people are traumatized, their worlds stop making sense. Rajabi writes about how, given the tools, people will make meaning in creative, novel, and healing ways--grieving in online places, on Peloton...
• The Language of Ambiguous Grief (Anne Helen Petersen, Culture Study, her newsletter,10-10-21) "Ambiguous loss theory conceives of a loss that is both unclear yet traumatic: it can be physically absent but psychologically present; alternatively, it can be psychologically absent while physically present (think here, for example, of someone suffering from dementia). Miscarriage fits this type of loss because there is not the physical presence of a child, there is no body to be buried, but there is a palpable psychological loss....Nick Couldry uses the term ‘presencing’ in his book Media, Society, World to talk about how we go into digital or media spaces to manage our presence over time. It’s a way we cultivate a sense of wider purpose through a public presence. And because of the way suffering and trauma marginalize people, this act of making yourself more visible is even more important....Peloton existed before the pandemic. But you can see how it became really salient for people during that time: it offered the the ability to safely share space without sharing space, to fully steep your body in a practice that was about a sort of resilience that is always in progress, and to do so in a way that then felt shared, and was not about becoming someone else or something else."
• The Goddesses of Santa Fe (Jennifer Kohnhorst on The Moth, 6-7-14) Talking about her contentious relationship with her body, she says, I don't have a body, I am a body. And when I hate my body, I hate all of the things that make me who I am.”
• "Our brains process the loss of a dream like the loss of something tangible. But our society wants to accord more importance to the tangible losses." ~Zoë McLaren, PhD @ZoeMcLaren
• Bearing the Special Grief of Suicide(Father Arnaldo Pangrazzi, International Coordinator for ministry for the Order of St. Camillus, on Survivors of Suicide Loss) "Suicide leaves deep scars on the survivors. But there is no turning back. You cannot change what had happened. You can, however, change your outlook‐- from backward to forward, from death to life."
• Prolonged Grief Disorder (PG 13) test
• Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrowby Kenneth J. Doka
• Grief and disenfranchised grief: domestic infant adoption facts(report on a speech by Evelyn Robinson, for Exiled Mothers). Birth mothers exploited by adoption--'mothers who lost our babies to the adoption industry in both closed adoptions and "open" adoptions' and who experience long-term grief.
• Ambiguous Loss and Disenfranchised Grief (Kathleen Gilbert, material for a classroom discussion, part of Grief in a Family Context)
• Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief (Pauline Boss). Family therapist and researcher Boss has studied ambiguous loss in the families of pilots declared missing in action in Vietnam and Cambodia, in midlife couples whose adolescent children have recently left home, and in families where one member has Alzheimer's.
• Grief and Mourning: What's Normal and What's Not? (Angela Morrow, RN, VeryWell, 4-14-17) The differences between normal and complicated grief
• What is complicated grief? (Linda Goldman, www.childrensgrief.net) "When life issues are unexpressed or unacknowledged, they become locked in 'frozen blocks of time.' These frozen blocks of time stop the normal grief process denying the child the ability to grieve."
• Factors that affect complicated grief
• UNITE, Inc. (grief support after miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death). See UNITE's links and resources.
• Perinatal Loss and Grief (slideshare)
• CLIMB (Center for Loss in Multiple Births)
• AMEND(Aiding a Mother and Father Experiencing Neonatal Death)
• American SIDS Institute (sudden infant death syndrome)
• Angels Registration(Shaken Baby Alliance)
• Disenfranchised Grief (Elizabeth Kupferman)
• Educational resources for when your baby is stillborn (Wisconsin Stillbirth Service Program, WiSSP)
Clicking on a title will take you to an Amazon.com description of the book and reviews. This is not an endorsement of shopping at Amazon.com (we encourage shopping at your local independent bookstore), but Amazon does have an excellent database. And if you purchase a book after clicking on a link here, we get a small referral fee, which helps cover the cost of maintaining this site. • Alexander, Eben. Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon's Journey into the Afterlife (a neurosurgeon's account of his near-death experience). Read Readers Join Doctor’s Journey (Leslie Kaufman, NY Times, 11-25-12), about how in 2008 Dr. Alexander, now 58, contracted bacterial meningitis, slipped into a deep coma during which his cerebral cortex registered no activity, and emerged so changed by the experience that he wrote this book, an instant bestseller. • Apple, Dennis L. Life After the Death of My Son: What I'm Learning • Ascher, Barbara Lazear. Landscape Without Gravity (about her brother's death from AIDS). • Bastian, Sue and Mary Metzger. Fresh Widows: A Conversation (the book) and the blog. Great idea! Have mutual friends introduce you to a widow-buddy, a new friend who is going through what you're going through; you help each other re-enter the world as no-longer-part-of-a-couple, knowing without explanation what each of you is going through. • Bernstein, Judith R. When The Bough Breaks: Forever After the Death of a Son or Daughter (Paperback) • Bolton, Iris. My Son...My Son: A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss, or Suicide. • Bonanno, George A. The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss . Bonanno finds "little evidence to support the existence of stages of mourning or the corollary that if the stages aren't followed completely, there's cause for alarm. What Bonanno does find is a natural resilience that guides us through the sadness of loss, and grief, rather than distracting us, actually causes the mind to focus; it also elicits the compassion and concern that humans are hard-wired to offer in response to another's suffering." (PW review) • Boss, Pauline. Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief (about the sense of "frozen grief" that can occur when a loved one is perceived as physically absent but mentally present (because of desertion, divorce, or abduction, or because missing in action) or physically present but mentally or psychologically absent (because of dementia, mental illness, or other forms of mental or emotional loss or injury). • Braestrup, Kate. Here If You Need Me: A True Story. Widowed when her husband (a Maine state trooper) is killed in a car accident, middle-aged Kate Braestrup, deep in mourning, follows her husband's dream, becoming a chaplain to Maine game wardens, the service that sets up search-and-rescue missions through the state. • Brener, Anne. Mourning & Mitzvah: A Guided Journal for Walking the Mourner's Path Through Grief to Healing . Explores "the place where psychology and religious ritual intersect, and the name of that place is Truth." ~ Rabbi Harold Kushner • Caine, Lynn. Being a Widow • Davis, Deborah L. Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby • DeVita, Elizabeth. The Empty Room: Surviving the loss of a brother or sister at any age (partly a memoir of surviving the loss of her brother Teddy to aplastic anemia) • Diamant, Anita. Saying Kaddish: How to Comfort the Dying, Bury the Dead, and Mourn as a Jew • Didion, Joan. The Year of Magical Thinking. It starts like this: "Life changes fast Life changes in an instant You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends." This instant classic by the renowned essayist is about the year that followed the sudden loss of her husband: an unflinching account of that first year of widowhood. She concludes: “Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it,Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.” • Edelman, Hope. Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss (explaining the stages of grief and adjustment and such secondary effects as filling the lost mother's role in the family) and Motherless Mothers: How Losing a Mother Shapes the Parent You Become • Elison, Jennifer and Chris McGonigle. Liberating Losses: When Death Brings Relief gives permission for the relief felt by many primary caregivers (especially spouses) about death after a long illness, or when one is released from a difficult or abusive relationship. • Fine, Carla. No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One • Finkbeiner, Ann. After the Death of a Child: Living with Loss through the Years • Goldman, Francisco. Say Her Name: A Novel. A "highly personal account of the author's life in the aftermath of his young wife's drowning. Goldman moves in time from meeting Aura in New York and her harrowing death on Mexico's Pacific Coast to the painful and solitary two years that followed in Brooklyn, marked in part by his mother-in-law's claim that he was responsible for Aura's death. His struggles to exonerate himself from his own conscience, and from his mother-in-law's legal threats, is electric and poignant...Goldman calls this book a novel and employs some novelistic techniques (composite characters, for instance), but the foundation is in truth: messy, ugly, and wildly complicated truth." (PW review) • Goodman, Sandy. Love Never Dies: A Mother's Journey from Loss to Love. Includes suggestions about how to help a friend going through such a loss. • Grollman, Earl A. Living When A Loved One Has Died. Short, easy to read, and helps explain the process of grieving. • Hammer, Signe. By Her Own Hand: Memoirs of a Suicide's Daughter • Harris, Mark. Grave Matters: A Journey Through the Modern Funeral Industry to a Natural Way of Burial (why eco-friendly burials make sense) • Hickman, Martha W. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief • Hill, Susan. Family (about the death of a premature child) • James, John W. and Russell Friedman. The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith. By the same authors (with Leslie Mathews): When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses • Kaplan, Robbie Miller. How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say: The Right Words for Difficult Times--Illness and Death (less expensive ordered from the author) • Kowalski, Gary. Goodbye, Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost a Pet • Kushner, Harold S. When Bad Things Happen to Good People. A classic, full of wisdom for those who ask, "Why me?" • Levin, Mark R. Rescuing Sprite: A Dog Lover's Story of Joy and Anguish. If you've ever loved a pet, you need this book, says one reader. • Lewis, C.S. A Grief Observed. A classic, brief and beautiful. • McCracken, Anne and Mary Semel. A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies • McNees, Pat, ed. Dying: A Book of Comfort. Gems of comfort, healing words on loss and grief. “This remarkable collection, coming from personal experience and wide reading, will help many find the potential of growth through loss.” ~ Dame Cicely Saunders, founder of the hospice movement. Order here and save money. • McWilliams, Peter, Harold H. Bloomfield, and Melba Colgrove. How to Survive the Loss of a Love • Mitchell, Ellen and eight other mothers. Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child (powerful book in which nine bereaved mothers share their experiences about what life is like after losing a child in their teens or twenties, including Ellen Mitchell, Carol Barkin, Audrey Cohen, Lorenza Colletti, Barbara Eisenberg, Barbara Goldstein, Madeline Perri Kasden, Phyllis Levine, Ariella Long, Rita Volpe ) • Myers, Edward. When Parents Die: A Guide for Adults. Recommended as a guide for social service agencies. • Oates, Joyce Carol. A Widow's Story. A memoir of sudden widowhood, after 48 years of marriage. Her remarriage soon after the death, not mentioned in the memoir, elicited strong reactions, such as Should Joyce Carol Oates have revealed her second marriage? (David L. Ulin, Jacket Copy, L.A.Times 5-15-11) and listen to Michael Krasny's interview with Oates, KQED (and read NPR's forum comments). (See also "The Widow's Story," about the death of her husband, Raymond J. Smith, in New Yorker (12-13-10, subscribers only). Here is an interesting review-essay: ‘For Sorrow There Is No Remedy’ by Julian Barnes, NY Review of Books. • O'Rourke, Meghan. The Long Goodbye: a memoir, which Alice Gregory reviews for NPR in 'The Long Goodbye': A Syllabus For Modern Mourning. "What is it like to mourn today, in a culture that has largely set aside rituals that acknowledge grief? After her mother died of cancer at the age of fifty-five, Meghan O’Rourke found that nothing had prepared her for the intensity of her sorrow. • Page, Patricia. Shadows on a Nameless Beach. A brief and beautifully crafted collection of essays, a memoir of the year after her son's death by suicide, her feelings of parental guilt, finding solace in walks through California's coastal landscape. • Rando, Theresa A. How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies. Grief counseling in a book. • Rappaport, Nancy. In Her Wake: A Child Psychiatrist Explores the Mystery of Her Mother's Suicide. Haunted by the 1963 death of her mother, a Boston socialite, from an overdose when Rappaport was only four (the youngest of six children), the author tries to reconstruct what happened. As her brother asked: Didn't their mother know that she would leave all these shattered children wondering if it was their fault? • Redfern, Suzanne and Susan K. Gilbert. The Grieving Garden: Living with the Death of a Child. Redfern and Gilbert reflect on their own experiences and tell the stories of 22 other parents whose children died at various ages and from various causes, from disease and accidents to suicide and terrorism. Organized in sections that mirror the stages of grief, from immediate reactions, seeking support, effects on family life and relationships, to integrating the loss into one's life and maintaining connections with a loved one. • Roiphe, Ann. Epilogue: A Memoir. "[A]n unflinching and unsentimental story of widowhood's stupefying disquiet, of love and living on." (PW starred review) • Rosenblatt, Roger. Making Toast by Roger Rosenblatt, which E.L. Doctorow describes thus: "A painfully beautiful memoir telling how grandparents are made over into parents, how people die out of order, how time goes backwards. Written with such restraint as to be both heartbreaking and instructive." • Sartwell, Marcia. Do Not Go Gentle: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Living On (which captures both the raw, sometimes angry, feelings of grief when a loved one dies and the understanding and fulfillment that may come over time). • Sharples, Madeline. Leaving the Hall Light On. A mother's memoir of living with her son's bipolar disorder and surviving his suicide • Sittser, Jerry L. A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss (about the transformative grace that can come even in the face of catastrophic loss) • Staudacher, Carol. A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing After the Death of a Loved One • Vincent, Eleanor. Swimming with Maya: A Mother's Story (how the daughter's fall from a horse ended in organ donations--transforming a mother's grief) • Viorst, Judith. Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow • Waxman, Robert and Linda. Losing Jonathan (losing a beloved child to drugs) • Westberg, Granger E. Good Grief: A Constructive Approach to the Problem of Loss • Wiesel, Elie. Night (powerful account of surviving the nightmare world of the Nazi death camps) • Wolfelt, Alan D. Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Parent Dies |